Recently, JLem and I have seen a multitude of Post-Easter signs outside of churches that read “HE IS RISEN” or “CHRIST IS RISEN.” Almost all of these are Lutheran. I understand that Jesus came back from the dead. What I don’t understand is this… do Lutheran churches know it happened over 2000 years ago? Would that not make it past tense? Perhaps I am the only one that thinks that using “is” that way makes it sound like “risen” is an adjective or a noun instead of a verb.

For example:

Some kinds of people are “risen,” which means that they have short curly hair on their knuckles. My friend Jesus is risen.
-or-
New, Risen cereal! Now with a Jesus in every box!
-or-
A Risen shoes commerical! [voiceover] Jesus Sanders knows what kind of shoes to wear in the harshest, most Golgatha-like environments… Risen. When Jesus needs to rise to the occasion, he puts on our shoes. Risen IS Jesus, and Jesus IS Risen.

The correct way:

Jesus IS rising out of the grave!
Jesus HAS risen,
and Jesus ROSE from the dead in fulfillment of the scriptures…”

WARNING: I feel very strongly that the King James translation of the Bible does not constitute a legitimate reason to use words incorrectly on signs all over town. If you plan on comments in this vein, then they better be in iambic pentameter and Elizabethan English…

I’m waiting, Lutherans everywhere. Hit me with your best 96 Theses.

At the local Kingwood Skeeters, there is a gumball machine labeled “Gum Sucker.” This is a fancy gumball machine, with huge impossibly large gumballs that roll around in some flashback to “Marble Madness” from the ’80’s. The problem is, the “G” really, really, really looks like a “C”. And let me tell you, there is NO way my future kid is ever putting fifty cents in a machine that removes sperm.

As if this wasn’t bad enough, there is another gumball machine at a local (Spring) Mexican restaurant that sells “Frosty Balls.” I hope Frosty was wearing his magic hat! What kind of a name is that? I don’t want to know if they melt in your mouth…

Today’s entry:

“Kerry’s Donuts & Cajun Seafood” – While this poor outfit might have meant “beignets” they really put “donuts” on the sign. And my lord, those are two tastes that just don’t go great together. Crawfish-filled donuts anyone? Blackened tuna bear claws? Did they use the same fryer? Yeech.

This business was not in business very long.

Welcome to the category of unfortunate names. These are real names for people, places, products and services that I have uncovered that really exist. (I promise!) This will be an occasional segment; as I find them, you will hear all about it…

Today we have two:

“Faded Glory,” the Wal-mart brand name for clothes. Um, lemme see… How did this name get past the marketing board? Last time I checked, “Faded Glory” means something that used to be better, something past its prime. And besides, fade is something you normally do not want your clothes to do, except maybe jeans.

A congenitally handicapped guy named “Abel.” Perhaps the parents were being positive? Enough said.