Here is the link to the Aeros Hockey Ticket information.

The following ten links point to answering machine messages left by someone on my answering machine at one time.

Try to guess who left message from the list below.

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10

Clues:
All messages were left between 1990-1996.
No one person left more than one of the above messages.
All messages were left by someone who has attended at least one Festivus.

Possible candidates:
Laura Veale
Henry Britt
Jinny Patterson McCormick
Becky Vincent Smith
Lara Abrahms Gwinn
Sean Loyless
Alicia Vilbaum Fiedler
Jessica Cabiness Brady
Bethany Hedges Moore
Bryan Pope
Dean McCormick
Staci Heien
Tami Nelson
Raymond Ng
Scott Bishop
David Hobizal
Travis Breaux
Scott McCormick
Leslie Meredith Eames
Carolyn Abbruscato Smith
Meredith Braden Watmough
Sean McCormick
Rick Nelson
Andrew Hannan
Kourt DeHaas
Brian Smith

Lemon, Skatea and I went to Stephenville this weekend and on our way there… it started SNOWING. OMFG! I was actually driving in snow, in Texas, in April! And this was good, real snow, the kind you can make into a good snowball and peg your brother with. Or sister-in-law. (or vice-versa) It didn’t stick around long, but it was definitely fun while it lasted. And it may be the only time you can actually throw something at your mother-in-law and get away with it…

We had a blast, and if I wasn’t so damn lazy, I’d post some pictures of it, like all the ice on the front of my truck, or the bluebonnets and the cactus half-buried in snow. Wild.

This of course begs the question– if Al Gore is so damn worried about global warming, why does he look like he’s planning for an extended winter hibernation? Or is his weight gain just an “inconvenient truth”?

Here are somethings I still need to “flesh out” that have been written down on various notepads for so long, I figured, hell, it’s time just to put it up here and let the blogosphere sort it out.

So here it is:

1) Red Cedar Place Episode Titles:

The Greatest American Zero
Jumping the Snark
Absolut Madness
Mecha-Lecha-Hi-Make-A-Brian-Heien-E-Go
…Rupturing
Get Down With The Thickness
Pachouli Nutrageous
Under The Music
Regional Freak Magnet
I Am Not A Pepper
Essenes and Ninjesuits

2) Unfortunate Name: Ponch from Chips

3) Really, why is there Braille on the ATM Drive-Thru?

4) Links I might want to put up here: Slashdot, Neurotically Yours

5) John Denver – Colorado or West Virginia?

Jinny votes CO, since he’s “Rocky Mountain High,” and his last name, of course, is the capital. Plus, he might have broken up with his WV “Mountain Mama.”

6) Hot spots –

Las Vegas
Times Square
French Quarter
Moxie’s Back

7) Random Quote: “Scabs on the bloody wounds of society”

8) When Heart sings “Barracuda” are they only two-chambered?

9) Overheard:

Jinny: “You see a butt-”
Garrett: “Yeah! Yeah…”
Sean: “You know Garrett, they poop out of those.”
Garrett: “Uh hunh…”
Garrett looks wistfully at the girl’s butt again.

10) My father – the man who never took his family on a multiday trip for 15 years, is now the CHAIRMAN of the Trip Coordination board for the Over-50 Club.

No More:

1) References to dog urine as “love juice” or a dog phallus as a “weenis”
2) Unthoughtful or otherwise completely random gifts from “Mom’s Gift Closet”
3) Listening to someone tell me that they WANT their future kid to be emasculated, gay, and nerdy.
4) Being embarrassed at Grandma’s by unthoughtful behavior.
5) Psuedo-intellectual condescension from someone who failed high school algebra.
6) Being embarrassed at Pif’s, or Merrie’s, by past, present, or future behavior of said person.
7) Lame nights that end at 10:00pm.
8 ) Bean sprouts with oatmeal for breakfast.
9) Brother-less Christmases.
10) Ugly Shoes.
11) Picking on my wife for being old-fashioned.
12) Hairy armpit magazines.
13) Sour Pickle Face.
14) Invitations to dildo parties.
15) Unwarranted insults to my extended family.
16) Fashion Police from the “Diesel Dyke” brigade.
17) Cankle and Glow-in-the-Dark teeth.
18) Fashion hypocrisy– like bell bottoms, the skunk hairdo, and capri pants.
19) “friends” who don’t split checks.
20) brown everything.
21) relatives who don’t offer to do dishes after family events.
22) bullshit comparisons to make one sound superior – “Thanksgiving Dinner is MUCH harder than Christmas Dinner…”
23) Shoe Shopping
24) bragging about being health consciousness while consuming margaritas.
25) “Spider hands”
26) soy milk
27) dreading trips to Austin
28) Flippant, final, or hurtful remarks from someone who thinks that getting a back alley hand-job in a Northeast Asian country is perfectly acceptable for a married man.
29) turning off the fan
30) trying to explain that an 84-year-old woman who sends handmade kitchen scrubbies out to friends and family is not out to “domesticate” anyone.

421 Son of a… Festivus – The cut and run of Haggis at eP becomes a Festivus unvitation and Jackie (Jacquelyn Brooks) and Chris (Chris Shepherd) attend in his stead. Drew’s walks at UH, and Travis shows up with a plan to interview Gerry (T. Fitzgerald Toll). Meanwhile, Henry’s disappointing bonus leads him to examine opportunities elsewhere. 60min.

420 Domo Arigato Mr. Distracto – It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas—Garrett (Matt Damon) has just won $10,000. The gang urges Mr. Distracto to get out of his home; he isn’t so sure. Planning for Festivus and the holidays has Sean working overtime, and Garrett has a knack for derailing conversations. Haggis puts in his two week notice to the surprise of no one. 60min.

419 Salisbury Stake – Because of recent travels, Sean & Jinny forgo T-Day with Bob and Pam and spend it instead with Deano. After Thanksgiving, Sean has another meeting, this time with “Big Chicken,” and Jinny discovers that there is a lot to like about Delmarva. 60min.

418 Pulltops and a Sri Lankan Named Mario – With Iowa a bust and other options limited, Sean finally gives in and leaves for the UAE. Ninjas, police, and disparate housewives fly in and out of RCP as Dean pays for dinner. Meanwhile, in Dubai, Sean throws a snowball and eats Mexican food. Special Guests: Shabbir Pancha, Sunil Premchandani, Jobe Elumalai, and Hedley Nuttall. 60min.