“Do I need to get you a helmet and a short bus?”

“Runes are just really bad penmanship.”

“Jagermeister makes men smell like pepperoni.”

“Men and women have different urine. Haven’t you ever seen foamy and smelly manpee?”

“Henry was all douched out last night, and he had a smug Woodlands grin…”

The Reverend Jesse Jackson was holding a press conference in the appliance department of a Sears store in Chicago. He was there to protest the fact that all the washing machines were white. So the clerk called the store manager, who asked, “What’s the problem here, Reverend?” Jesse pointed at the machines and loudly bemoaned the fact that all of them were white. The manager replied, “Well, Reverend, it’s true that all the washing machines are white, but if you’ll open the lids, you’ll see that all the agitators are black.”

“If the shoe fits, loot it.”

Q: What’s the difference between Jesse Jackson and David Duke?

A: Jesse Jackson is the racist hate-monger that is still in politics.

A real quote, overheard last night at coffee:

“Who is Jackie O?”
“I don’t know…”
“God, she’s like JFK’s wife! I thought you were supposed to be the smart one!”

I found this article online at a British paper, the Independent:

Ray Nagin, the Mayor of New Orleans, said that every day of delay has caused hundreds of deaths. Louisiana’s junior Senator, Republican David Vitter, gave the Bush administration “an F grade” for its handling of the crisis. Senator Chuck Hagel, a leading contender for his party’s nomination to succeed Mr Bush, said, “There must be some accountability.”

We all know that. But keep reading…

The criticism is all the sharper because the President did nothing to alter his holiday schedule for 48 hours. Vice-President Dick Cheney remains on holiday in Wyoming. Condoleezza Rice, the Secretary of State, returned to Washington after being seen shopping for $7,000 shoes in Manhattan as New Orleans went under.

But wait, there’s more!

Officials said that the job of recovering, let alone counting, the dead may not start for weeks. The death toll is likely to far exceed the numbers killed in the 11 September attacks almost exactly four years ago.

Although a government exercise last year predicted the course of the disaster, Mr Bush drastically cut back spending on city defences. Work on strengthening vital levees needed to keep out flood water stopped for the first time in 37 years.

Okay, last time I checked, these people work for US, the people of the United States of America. Not only do I have to go out of the country to find out that Cheney is STILL on vacation, but both Bush and Cheney went on vacation at the same time! I work in IT, and one thing that everyone in IT quickly realizes is that there is something called COVERAGE. You do not all leave on a month-long vacation at the same time!

And $7000 shoes? How much to we pay these people? Apparently, the term “public servant” doesn’t apply to anyone in the Bush entourage.

Of course, this is the same administration the kept reading to children in Florida while the planes came crashing down on a certain day about four years ago, and then created a Department of Homeland Security that apparently can’t define either homeland (hint: inside, not OUTSIDE, our borders) or Security (hint: color-coded alert levels and duct tape and plastic sheeting is not it). If you don’t believe me, see if you answer this question:

Q:Does anyone know why the Louisiana State Guard wasn’t able to respond?
A:Because they are all in Iraq right now!

The slow reaction time to the magnitude of this disaster and the subsequent death is totally inexcusable. Impeachment is possible for “high crimes and misdemeanors.” Remember when Bill almost got the ax for getting a BJ in the Oval Office and lying about it? Did anyone die because of this? No. And yet he was this close to being tarred, feathered, and ridden out of town on a rail.

I would say that the crisis at hand demands several things.

1) A Special Prosecutor. Someone as nasty as Kenneth Starr will do. Sniff out all the things that only the media of other countries will tell us.
2) A Bill of Impeachment for failure to uphold the duties of the office of the President of the United States. These should revolve around the Department of Homeland Security; the inability to protect the borders, and preserve, protect, and defend the citizens of United States from threats, both foreign and domestic, and both natural and manmade. Optional: Going to War on a False Pretext. also known as “Weapons of Mass Destruction My Ass” (heretofore known as WMDMA)
3) A Special Chant. “Hey, hey, LBJ, how many kids did you kill today?” was very catchy. I’m all in favor of “Hey, Yo, W, What the F#ck is Wrong With You?” [F#ck can be changed to Hell if this is yelled in polite company]
4) Tar (preferably made from oil pulled out of the ground with Halliburton equipment)
5) Feathers (chicken, in lieu of the fact that “I got a letter from my Daddy which says I don’t have to go to Vietnam”)
6) Enough rails to ship a whole administration out of Washington.

“There are no such thing as runes– it’s just a case of bad penmanship.”

And the list continues…

Devo
Jam Shorts
Hardcastle & McCormick
Two Pesos
“The Reflex” by Duran Duran
The Breeders
Ernest Borgnine
Snidley Whiplash
Penelope Pitstop
The Great Space Coaster
Gary Gnu
Hong Kong Phooey Oh, wait, he knew that one.
New Order
The Pixies
Jojo’s !!!
Linda Evans
Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme
Patty Hurst
On Golden Pond
Baby Jessica
Berlin
Sea-Arama Marineworld (in case you don’t remember it either…)
Galaxy High
The Young Ones

While discussing the fact that Birkenstocks are out of style at Denny’s a while back, we found, much to our chagrin, that young people today don’t even know what the hell Birkenstocks are! This freaked us out, so we decided to start asking our server about other pop culture references…

Garrett was born in 1984. That makes him 21. The following is a list of things he had never heard of, or was completely confused about:

Kristy McNichol
Booberry
Jm J. Bullock
Too Close For Comfort
Eight is Enough
Tic Tac Dough
“Bette Davis Eyes” (though he did know Bette Davis, strangely enough)
Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman
Carole Lombard
The Bionic Woman
Linda Carter
Moonlighting
New Coke
Tina Yothers
Aqua Net (he’s a guy, so we’ll cut him slack for that one)
Pinch Rolling
Tammy Fae
SCTV
Mary Gross
V
The Equalizer
Coleco
Debbie Gibson (though he did know Tiffany… go figure)
Jesus Jones
EMF
Nitzer Ebb
Lisa Bonet
Divine
Donna Summer
Jim Bakker
Gennifer Flowers
Donna Rice
Jessica Hahn
Ollie North
Christa McAuliffe
Birkenstocks

While I agree that some of these are less than memorable, and in fact, some of these are better off forgotten (for example, Jm J. Bullock or Jesus Jones), it still pains me that today’s youth does not know of Donna Summer or Eight is Enough… How do today’s youth get the jokes in Family Guy or Gilmore Girls if they don’t know their pop culture? Sigh.