Here are somethings I still need to “flesh out” that have been written down on various notepads for so long, I figured, hell, it’s time just to put it up here and let the blogosphere sort it out.

So here it is:

1) Red Cedar Place Episode Titles:

The Greatest American Zero
Jumping the Snark
Absolut Madness
Mecha-Lecha-Hi-Make-A-Brian-Heien-E-Go
…Rupturing
Get Down With The Thickness
Pachouli Nutrageous
Under The Music
Regional Freak Magnet
I Am Not A Pepper
Essenes and Ninjesuits

2) Unfortunate Name: Ponch from Chips

3) Really, why is there Braille on the ATM Drive-Thru?

4) Links I might want to put up here: Slashdot, Neurotically Yours

5) John Denver - Colorado or West Virginia?

Jinny votes CO, since he’s “Rocky Mountain High,” and his last name, of course, is the capital. Plus, he might have broken up with his WV “Mountain Mama.”

6) Hot spots -

Las Vegas
Times Square
French Quarter
Moxie’s Back

7) Random Quote: “Scabs on the bloody wounds of society”

8) When Heart sings “Barracuda” are they only two-chambered?

9) Overheard:

Jinny: “You see a butt-”
Garrett: “Yeah! Yeah…”
Sean: “You know Garrett, they poop out of those.”
Garrett: “Uh hunh…”
Garrett looks wistfully at the girl’s butt again.

10) My father - the man who never took his family on a multiday trip for 15 years, is now the CHAIRMAN of the Trip Coordination board for the Over-50 Club.

No More:

1) References to dog urine as “love juice” or a dog phallus as a “weenis”
2) Unthoughtful or otherwise completely random gifts from “Mom’s Gift Closet”
3) Listening to someone tell me that they WANT their future kid to be emasculated, gay, and nerdy.
4) Being embarrassed at Grandma’s by unthoughtful behavior.
5) Psuedo-intellectual condescension from someone who failed high school algebra.
6) Being embarrassed at Pif’s, or Merrie’s, by past, present, or future behavior of said person.
7) Lame nights that end at 10:00pm.
8 ) Bean sprouts with oatmeal for breakfast.
9) Brother-less Christmases.
10) Ugly Shoes.
11) Picking on my wife for being old-fashioned.
12) Hairy armpit magazines.
13) Sour Pickle Face.
14) Invitations to dildo parties.
15) Unwarranted insults to my extended family.
16) Fashion Police from the “Diesel Dyke” brigade.
17) Cankle and Glow-in-the-Dark teeth.
18) Fashion hypocrisy– like bell bottoms, the skunk hairdo, and capri pants.
19) “friends” who don’t split checks.
20) brown everything.
21) relatives who don’t offer to do dishes after family events.
22) bullshit comparisons to make one sound superior - “Thanksgiving Dinner is MUCH harder than Christmas Dinner…”
23) Shoe Shopping
24) bragging about being health consciousness while consuming margaritas.
25) “Spider hands”
26) soy milk
27) dreading trips to Austin
28) Flippant, final, or hurtful remarks from someone who thinks that getting a back alley hand-job in a Northeast Asian country is perfectly acceptable for a married man.
29) turning off the fan
30) trying to explain that an 84-year-old woman who sends handmade kitchen scrubbies out to friends and family is not out to “domesticate” anyone.

As part of a multipart series, it’s time to delve into Part II:

6 ) Knowledge and communication is key to success.
If you don’t know yourself or your partner, you can’t communicate effectively. If you are unhappy, hurt, or upset, you have to tell the other person. Don’t expect miracles. Your husband/wife is not psychic. In fact, if you are married to me, he may be so boneheaded he doesn’t even understand after you tell him. If you think that you can be “non-confrontational” in a marriage, think again. Marriages are for life, and sooner or later, your significant other is going to do something to tick you off.

7 ) “Ignorance” can be bliss if trust is assured.

Like most couples, Jinny and I have had arguments about money. And like most couples, we argued about the lack there-of, or what happens when you spend a bunch of money (that you don’t have) on your debit card. But at some point it occurred to me that if Jinny knew how much was in the bank, at any time, then we wouldn’t have this problem. So everyday, sometimes twice, Jinny looks at the bank balance. And so she knows if we have money to eat out that night, or if we should stay home. Or if we should be going out of town, or if we should wait until the next payday. In fact, because I trust Jinny, I don’t regularly look at the bank balance anymore. I just assume I have enough money to go to Subway for lunch, or that I can fill the car up tomorrow if the fuel tank is low Obviously, expensive things still require discussion, but I no longer have to worry about a $34 insufficient funds fee for a $2.99 value meal at Wendy’s, and then get mad because Jinny didn’t tell me she bought $150 worth of groceries 5 minutes prior to that on the day before payday.

In this example, I get to be ignorant of the daily bank balance, and Jinny makes sure we don’t bounce checks.
Similarly, Jinny doesn’t worry about car inspections, registration, or oil changes. That is my job.
Because we trust each other, we allow ourselves to ignore things that can cause us undue stress. The underlying element, though, is trust.

8 ) Know your partner’s priorities and your own:
Here is my list of the most important things in my life:
a) my life
b) my self-respect
c) my marriage/wife/family

Don’t think these are always in order as above. I would gladly risk my life for my wife, as I would be willing to lose plenty of self-respect to save my life and or marriage if necessary. But there is line that is drawn; for example, if I caught my spouse cheating and they were not willing to admit that they screwed up and that we needed to work it out, probably with the help of a professional– well, my self-respect is too important to me. My sense of self-worth will not let me put up with that. In very short order my foot would be so far up her ass it would have to be surgically removed. And I can guarantee you I wouldn’t be jumping in front of any cars for my spouse if she wasn’t contrite about her infidelity, either.

If marriage/spouse isn’t in the top two or three things of importance to someone–move on. Things such as Wealth and Sex shouldn’t even make the list. Remember, you marry for richer and poorer. And this part of the vow never mentions whether they are talking about cash, lovemaking or just EPA estimated fuel economy.

9 ) How do you know if your spouse is being unfaithful?
If you are honestly asking this question, there’s your answer.*

10) Friendship is so much more important than “the benefits.”
Before I got married, I was asked by my pastor-friend if I was sure that Jinny was the one for me. One of things that I told him was this: “I really love Jinny, and if we get married, and we wind up never having sex again, I could still live for the rest of my life married to her. We are intimate, sure, but we are best friends first.” Don’t get married solely for passion in the sack. Remember, we may be higher mammals, we are still animals, and there are chemicals involved here… the chemicals that cause you to be initially attracted to your mate will not last forever. Successful marriages require more than a stiffy everytime she walks in the room. Before you DARE get married, ask yourself the very pointed question: Is this person my best friend? If the answer is no, forget it.

*Divorcees and Medically diagnosed paranoids are exempt from this rule. In that case, do some research: Check the phone records, chat history or web activity.

First off, let me wish you warm greetings for the first post I have made this year. I was going to make a post on Groundhog’s Day, but I looked out the window and didn’t see my shadow, so I decided to wait 6 more weeks.

Oh, and– I wish to dedicate this post to my darling wife Jinny. She is the love of my life, and the bedrock on which I am able build myself into a better person. Jinny, let us grow old and gray together. I may not always show it, but you really do mean the world to me.

Ok, ok, now that the general shmoopiness and salutations are out of the way, I’d like to take this blog time to share with you a few of my recent observations:

1) Marriage is not “old-fashioned,” but marriages that are not “families” do not last.
Getting married is a step people who are truly committed to each other take to cement their union. If you don’t want to do it, don’t. But be sure to check how your partner defines marriage. The reasons people marry vary widely, but usually include one or more of the following: the public declaration of love; the formation of a family unit; legitimizing sexual relations and procreation; legal, social and economic stability; and the education and nurturing of children. If your partner does not talk of creating a family, run screaming. By this, I do not mean having children. You can be a childless couple for life and still be a family. Children are born INTO a family, Which means, of course, that the family was created with the marriage. When you and your spouse become a family, life is far different from dating life, and it should be. At least in good times, you should feel completely comfortable. And if that means farting and burping and leaving underwear strewn over the floor, so be it. The family that farts together, stays together, I always say. If you have to be on your best behavior all the time, what fun is that? And how long can that last? If this is the case, you should seek out a marriage counselor, because one of you has a serious stick up his or her ass.

2) Marriage is life-long social contract, and not just to your significant other.
When you get married, the families come along for the ride. And they are your family now, too. Don’t forget it. If you hate her folks, just remember they’ll be your folks too once you say “I do.” And you should treat the other family with at least as much respect as you treat your own family. There seems to be a natural instinct to cling to the wife’s side of the family, but you should always try to see both evenly. Even if you hate your husband’s father, your brother- and sister-in-law might want to see your husband once and a while.

3) Marriage does not have to be between two people of the opposite sex; the significance and importance should be the same regardless of the gender of those involved.
I know same-sex couples that have been together for years, and they hold true to the ideals of marriage (family, commitment of love, etc.) even if they aren’t legally allowed to wed. Most same-sex couples that are interested in marriage are very committed, especially considering that socio-political pressure is against them.

4) The bonds of trust, created early in a relationship, must stay intact for a marriage to thrive. Once severed, it is a long and arduous process to recreate them.
Trust can be lost forever in an instant of discovered infidelity, and unless both parties are willing to work hard to recommit themselves, the relationship is doomed. The cheatee will never trust the cheater ever again, and the cheater will be tempted, because of the self-created problems at home, to find other outlets for his or her needs.

5) The Internet is both the creator and destroyer of marriages. And because “Internet Time” is so much faster than real time, things can happen so fast the other partner never even knows what is going on.
Match.com, e-harmony.com, and other dating sites allow people from all over together to connect, get married, and live happy lives together. However, there are similar sites, and similar technologies, that allow unhappy partners to cheat with greater ease than ever before. I once knew someone whose despicable spouse was IMing her lover via a laptop while her husband sat in the same room, completely unaware!

“Shiver me creamer, coffee-mateys!”

Vulgar Mind Meld - An act wherein a nasty or disturbing thought multiplies through contact with others:

Her: “I want to buried in a mausoleum. That way I could get out if I needed to.” (initial unpleasant thought)
Him: “You’d be dead. You wouldn’t be getting out.”
Her: “But what if I’m buried alive?” (continuing to get more unpleasant)
Him: “You won’t be buried alive, the undertaker takes care of that. Besides, if you can get out, that just makes it easier for some sicko to have sex with your dead body.”
Her: “You are sick! Only you would think of something like that…”
Him: “Hey, that’s an idea! ‘Dead Body’ Shots! If only there was a bar at the morgue!”

Taken from my high level contacts in the greater blogosphere:

Four Jobs I’ve Had in My Life:
1. Pizza Cashier
2. Real Estate Directional Sign Installer
3. Toys ‘R Us Janitor
4. Certified Network Instructor

Four Movies I Could Watch Over and Over, and Have:
1. Ghostbusters
2. Back To The Future
3. Heathers
4. Real Genius

Four Places I Have Lived:
1. Charlotte, NC
2. Arlington, TX
3. The Woodlands, TX
4. Waco, TX

Four TV Shows I Love To Watch:
1. Alias (thank you, BDogg)
2. CSI (thank you, Continental)
3. Moonlighting
4. X-Files

Four Places I Have Been On Vacation:
1. Pittsburgh, PA
2. Texas Hill Country
3. Las Vegas, NV
4. Niagara Falls

Four Websites I Visit Daily:
1. Diantological
2. Microsoft Update
3. MSN
4. Google

Four Favorite Foods:
1. Pizza
2. Whataburger #7, No Onions or Tomatoes w/ a Strawberry Shake
3. Salt Bagels
4. Burrito al Carbon

Four Places I Would Rather Be Right Now:
1. Texas Hill Country
2. Chippewa, Niagara, CA
3. In a cabin by a lake nestled in the mountains somewhere
4. Anywhere with less people

We are hiring for a new position at work – and as you know I hate doing interviews. So, in the spirit of insanity, Travis, Jinny and I have come up with some questions sure to stump anyone: These were originally written for our friend, Gerry, but they have been altered here for the purpose of the hiring process:

1) Do you have an Iraqi exit strategy?
2) Do you believe in a timeline?
3) Have you armed your significant other in preparation?
4) Tell me about your nastiest ex co-worker.

[at this point, have the phone ring and answer it. After a couple of “unhuhs,” say, “Plastic army men placed in intimate places? *pause* Really? *pause* Well, this soldier wants to see some action!” and then hang up the phone]

5) What does your mother not know about your relationships?
6) What do you see as your sibling’s major challenges?
7) Is it really bigger than a breadbox?
8) Yani and Linda Evans are coming to your house for dinner – how do you & your significant other prepare?
9) What friends do you invite?
10) Assign tasks for preparation.
11) Name a purple vegetable.
12) What do you hope for if you find out you or your partner is pregnant? Boy or a girl?
13) Is the right lane the new left lane?
14) Who is the most attractive male golfer?
15) AMD – Great or Greatest?
16) Favorite light bulb – Florescent or REALLY Florescent?
17) Congenital birth defect or genital birth defect?
18) What do you do in your spare time?
-How much time?
-How much is too much spare time?
-How do measure success?
-How do you measure your sense of failure?
19) What new experiences has your partner introduced to you? No food answers, please.
20) What is the pantheon of your household and how do you intend to educate your children regarding this?
21) What is your superpower? You must also have at least one vulnerability and it can not be preexisting. Who is your arch-nemesis?
22) What’s better – copious amounts of blood or the stench of death?
23) Please begin the following answer with “Actually,”
24) Please say, “Cabbage.”
25) What are your thoughts on the true events of the Michael Jackson child molestation case? Please use nonspecific pronouns in your answer.
26) Define “mancabbage.”
27) Ziggy jumps out of the calendar in your mom’s home and hangs out with the Hummel’s. They have a conversation. Narrate.
28) If you compare your father with an action figure, who would he be and why? Please, no toy soldiers.
29) What is the most boring place in your house?
30) You are James Bond and your partner is a Bond girl. What challenge to they face and what is the romantic finale? Is Dame Judy Dench involved in any way?
31) Without using profanity, what is your favorite expletive?
32) I’m planning on hiring someone at work. Do you think any of these questions could be used in the interview?
33) What does the phrase, “My Buddy” mean to you? Who is your buddy?
34) Define “sphinctervision.”

If you would like to answer of the above questions, or if you would like to comment on my potential interview questions, feel free to do so.

The Master ‘NinJesuit’ turns 21 today. I have suddenly aged a decade (see above picture for details– note all chest hair has fallen out).

He’s having a party– I’ll be sure to post all of the blackmail pix when I return. :)

Meanwhile, at his workplace, in a desperate grab for market share:

The Gen Y Poster Boy of pop culture ignorance…

Garrett shows us once again why shows like the Gilmore Girls, Family Guy and MST3K will not survive much longer. To Garrett’s credit, it’s not just him. Billy, our high school intern at work, shows the same ignorance of any pop culture reference from before 1989.

The list continues below.

“Turn on Your Heartlight”
Flock of Seagulls
Woolworth’s (which, by the way, are still around in the UAE!)
Dime Store
Rosie the Riveter
Houston Knights
Walter Kronkite “Isn’t he a sports star?” says Garrett. Jinny thinks he says “Isn’t he a porn star?” which is even funnier.
You Can’t Do That on Television
Downtown Julie Brown
Haircut 100 (Jinny thinks this unfair, since she doesn’t even know who they are…)

“Do I need to get you a helmet and a short bus?”

“Runes are just really bad penmanship.”

“Jagermeister makes men smell like pepperoni.”

“Men and women have different urine. Haven’t you ever seen foamy and smelly manpee?”