I remember now why I hated Concrete Blonde. Jinny is watching a video on youtube, and that woman’s voice is like fingernails on a blackboard. Or a cat in heat. Or a cat in heat scratching its fingernails on a blackboard.

Today we have more audio clips from my answering machine.

First, we have one of the few outgoing messages that I have. Unfortunately, these seemed to be erased every time I created a new one, so I have very, very few of them. But this one is a duet of sorts, with me sounding vaguely Ren Hoek-ish at times, and Travis assisting.

Then we have Kirstin, frustrated with me in general and worried about the sanctity of my sister.

Lastly, we have Corey, Little Caesar’s, and his waterbed.

Hey kids, remember when there was no Internet? Cell phones were rare and expensive? Gas was $1.00?
Of course not, you kids were in utero back then. Hell, some of you weren’t even born when that Nirvana album came out. (September 21, 1993).

For those of you that remember these times, and knew me back in those days, the following audio links should prove to be interesting. Or, at the very least, embarrassing.

First off, we have here a classic from Alicia “Jackie” Vilbaum, most likely from ‘93. I got this a lot from Alicia.

Next we have Jinny in Spring of 1992. It would be another seven years before we would even start dating. But it doesn’t sound like it from this clip, does it? My favorite part is that if you listen closely, you can hear the Grease soundtrack playing in the background.

Lastly we have Travis pretending to be people looking for crack. 1992 for sure.

There are plenty of messages that are even more amusing– a complete recording of “Sean & Kirstin” performed for my answering machine by Scottie Garrison, Jinny pretending that she’s being abducted from the Randall’s parking lot, Travis proclaiming his divinity, Tami performing executive secretary duties by scheduling me reservations for a date I’m going on with someone else, and even Rick Nelson calling to borrow shoplift acquire CDs.

I will put a few up here and there as I have time.

Here are somethings I still need to “flesh out” that have been written down on various notepads for so long, I figured, hell, it’s time just to put it up here and let the blogosphere sort it out.

So here it is:

1) Red Cedar Place Episode Titles:

The Greatest American Zero
Jumping the Snark
Absolut Madness
Mecha-Lecha-Hi-Make-A-Brian-Heien-E-Go
…Rupturing
Get Down With The Thickness
Pachouli Nutrageous
Under The Music
Regional Freak Magnet
I Am Not A Pepper
Essenes and Ninjesuits

2) Unfortunate Name: Ponch from Chips

3) Really, why is there Braille on the ATM Drive-Thru?

4) Links I might want to put up here: Slashdot, Neurotically Yours

5) John Denver – Colorado or West Virginia?

Jinny votes CO, since he’s “Rocky Mountain High,” and his last name, of course, is the capital. Plus, he might have broken up with his WV “Mountain Mama.”

6) Hot spots –

Las Vegas
Times Square
French Quarter
Moxie’s Back

7) Random Quote: “Scabs on the bloody wounds of society”

8) When Heart sings “Barracuda” are they only two-chambered?

9) Overheard:

Jinny: “You see a butt-”
Garrett: “Yeah! Yeah…”
Sean: “You know Garrett, they poop out of those.”
Garrett: “Uh hunh…”
Garrett looks wistfully at the girl’s butt again.

10) My father – the man who never took his family on a multiday trip for 15 years, is now the CHAIRMAN of the Trip Coordination board for the Over-50 Club.

No More:

1) References to dog urine as “love juice” or a dog phallus as a “weenis”
2) Unthoughtful or otherwise completely random gifts from “Mom’s Gift Closet”
3) Listening to someone tell me that they WANT their future kid to be emasculated, gay, and nerdy.
4) Being embarrassed at Grandma’s by unthoughtful behavior.
5) Psuedo-intellectual condescension from someone who failed high school algebra.
6) Being embarrassed at Pif’s, or Merrie’s, by past, present, or future behavior of said person.
7) Lame nights that end at 10:00pm.
8 ) Bean sprouts with oatmeal for breakfast.
9) Brother-less Christmases.
10) Ugly Shoes.
11) Picking on my wife for being old-fashioned.
12) Hairy armpit magazines.
13) Sour Pickle Face.
14) Invitations to dildo parties.
15) Unwarranted insults to my extended family.
16) Fashion Police from the “Diesel Dyke” brigade.
17) Cankle and Glow-in-the-Dark teeth.
18) Fashion hypocrisy– like bell bottoms, the skunk hairdo, and capri pants.
19) “friends” who don’t split checks.
20) brown everything.
21) relatives who don’t offer to do dishes after family events.
22) bullshit comparisons to make one sound superior – “Thanksgiving Dinner is MUCH harder than Christmas Dinner…”
23) Shoe Shopping
24) bragging about being health consciousness while consuming margaritas.
25) “Spider hands”
26) soy milk
27) dreading trips to Austin
28) Flippant, final, or hurtful remarks from someone who thinks that getting a back alley hand-job in a Northeast Asian country is perfectly acceptable for a married man.
29) turning off the fan
30) trying to explain that an 84-year-old woman who sends handmade kitchen scrubbies out to friends and family is not out to “domesticate” anyone.

“Shiver me creamer, coffee-mateys!”

Vulgar Mind Meld – An act wherein a nasty or disturbing thought multiplies through contact with others:

Her: “I want to buried in a mausoleum. That way I could get out if I needed to.” (initial unpleasant thought)
Him: “You’d be dead. You wouldn’t be getting out.”
Her: “But what if I’m buried alive?” (continuing to get more unpleasant)
Him: “You won’t be buried alive, the undertaker takes care of that. Besides, if you can get out, that just makes it easier for some sicko to have sex with your dead body.”
Her: “You are sick! Only you would think of something like that…”
Him: “Hey, that’s an idea! ‘Dead Body’ Shots! If only there was a bar at the morgue!”

Taken from my high level contacts in the greater blogosphere:

Four Jobs I’ve Had in My Life:
1. Pizza Cashier
2. Real Estate Directional Sign Installer
3. Toys ‘R Us Janitor
4. Certified Network Instructor

Four Movies I Could Watch Over and Over, and Have:
1. Ghostbusters
2. Back To The Future
3. Heathers
4. Real Genius

Four Places I Have Lived:
1. Charlotte, NC
2. Arlington, TX
3. The Woodlands, TX
4. Waco, TX

Four TV Shows I Love To Watch:
1. Alias (thank you, BDogg)
2. CSI (thank you, Continental)
3. Moonlighting
4. X-Files

Four Places I Have Been On Vacation:
1. Pittsburgh, PA
2. Texas Hill Country
3. Las Vegas, NV
4. Niagara Falls

Four Websites I Visit Daily:
1. Diantological
2. Microsoft Update
3. MSN
4. Google

Four Favorite Foods:
1. Pizza
2. Whataburger #7, No Onions or Tomatoes w/ a Strawberry Shake
3. Salt Bagels
4. Burrito al Carbon

Four Places I Would Rather Be Right Now:
1. Texas Hill Country
2. Chippewa, Niagara, CA
3. In a cabin by a lake nestled in the mountains somewhere
4. Anywhere with less people

We are hiring for a new position at work – and as you know I hate doing interviews. So, in the spirit of insanity, Travis, Jinny and I have come up with some questions sure to stump anyone: These were originally written for our friend, Gerry, but they have been altered here for the purpose of the hiring process:

1) Do you have an Iraqi exit strategy?
2) Do you believe in a timeline?
3) Have you armed your significant other in preparation?
4) Tell me about your nastiest ex co-worker.

[at this point, have the phone ring and answer it. After a couple of “unhuhs,” say, “Plastic army men placed in intimate places? *pause* Really? *pause* Well, this soldier wants to see some action!” and then hang up the phone]

5) What does your mother not know about your relationships?
6) What do you see as your sibling’s major challenges?
7) Is it really bigger than a breadbox?
8) Yani and Linda Evans are coming to your house for dinner – how do you & your significant other prepare?
9) What friends do you invite?
10) Assign tasks for preparation.
11) Name a purple vegetable.
12) What do you hope for if you find out you or your partner is pregnant? Boy or a girl?
13) Is the right lane the new left lane?
14) Who is the most attractive male golfer?
15) AMD – Great or Greatest?
16) Favorite light bulb – Florescent or REALLY Florescent?
17) Congenital birth defect or genital birth defect?
18) What do you do in your spare time?
-How much time?
-How much is too much spare time?
-How do measure success?
-How do you measure your sense of failure?
19) What new experiences has your partner introduced to you? No food answers, please.
20) What is the pantheon of your household and how do you intend to educate your children regarding this?
21) What is your superpower? You must also have at least one vulnerability and it can not be preexisting. Who is your arch-nemesis?
22) What’s better – copious amounts of blood or the stench of death?
23) Please begin the following answer with “Actually,”
24) Please say, “Cabbage.”
25) What are your thoughts on the true events of the Michael Jackson child molestation case? Please use nonspecific pronouns in your answer.
26) Define “mancabbage.”
27) Ziggy jumps out of the calendar in your mom’s home and hangs out with the Hummel’s. They have a conversation. Narrate.
28) If you compare your father with an action figure, who would he be and why? Please, no toy soldiers.
29) What is the most boring place in your house?
30) You are James Bond and your partner is a Bond girl. What challenge to they face and what is the romantic finale? Is Dame Judy Dench involved in any way?
31) Without using profanity, what is your favorite expletive?
32) I’m planning on hiring someone at work. Do you think any of these questions could be used in the interview?
33) What does the phrase, “My Buddy” mean to you? Who is your buddy?
34) Define “sphinctervision.”

If you would like to answer of the above questions, or if you would like to comment on my potential interview questions, feel free to do so.

The Master ‘NinJesuit’ turns 21 today. I have suddenly aged a decade (see above picture for details– note all chest hair has fallen out).

He’s having a party– I’ll be sure to post all of the blackmail pix when I return. :)

Meanwhile, at his workplace, in a desperate grab for market share:

The Gen Y Poster Boy of pop culture ignorance…

Garrett shows us once again why shows like the Gilmore Girls, Family Guy and MST3K will not survive much longer. To Garrett’s credit, it’s not just him. Billy, our high school intern at work, shows the same ignorance of any pop culture reference from before 1989.

The list continues below.

“Turn on Your Heartlight”
Flock of Seagulls
Woolworth’s (which, by the way, are still around in the UAE!)
Dime Store
Rosie the Riveter
Houston Knights
Walter Kronkite “Isn’t he a sports star?” says Garrett. Jinny thinks he says “Isn’t he a porn star?” which is even funnier.
You Can’t Do That on Television
Downtown Julie Brown
Haircut 100 (Jinny thinks this unfair, since she doesn’t even know who they are…)