Such is the way of a rebellious child; they purchaseth for expensive sums clothes of poor quality, and weareth horn-rimmed spectacles, and saith, I know not of Declan of the House of McManus, yet I have done no wickedness. For three things the Earth is disquieted, and for four which it cannot bear: For an offspring to rebel at what his parents rebelled; and a fool when he is wearing pricey clothes that look of a thrift store; For an odious woman who driveth a manual transmission and hath decor hung from the inside mirror; and a child that looks as those that offer for sale the juice of grapes or the crafts of the loom–these children are of the Eternal Darkness. –4Realvelation (Ch 6:4-10)

We can learn from this passage that:

1) Jinny hates rebels without a new cause. Don’t rebel against what your parents rebelled against.
2) Don’t think you’re cool wearing Elvis Costello’s glasses if you don’t even know who he is.
3) Don’t pay $70 dollars for some cheap-ass safety-pinned clothing that Sid Vicious paid a shilling for.
4) Girls who drive a stick and have ‘crap’ hanging from their rear-view mirrors are to be avoided.
5) The “Welch’s Juice Girl” and the “Loomcraft Boy” are inherently evil. Even children that look like them are bad. Keep away.

Jinnyosity tells us that the Krackpype will come, but how will we know if she is the one true Krackpype? Here are a few of the prophecies from the Book of Jinnyosity:

She will be able to find four leaf clovers with ease, and she will like “Kids in The Hall” — Jinnysis 3:15

“And fields will put between you and the woman, and while walking toward you, she will find Trifolium repens with leaves of four; upon which time, she will be “crushing your head”, and you will take to your heels.”

This prophecy is a prediction of the Krackpype’s ability to find four leaf clovers. It also shows that she will have an interest in Canadian sketch comedy.

She will leave Texas and be a marked with a special, hidden tooth. — Jinnysis 12:1-2

“And the Lord God spoke, ‘You will soon leave your state, your people and your paternal grandfather and go to the land I will show you. I will give you a tooth hidden under your tongue that will bless you with the power to frighten your husband.’”

This passage begins to trace the move to Kentucky that will begin in Exit-us. It shows that God would place in Jinny’s mouth a special tooth hidden underneath her tongue that would gross her husband out for the rest of his days.

She will carry a spray bottle because she doesn’t not sweat enough to cool herself down sufficiently — Jinnysis 49:10

“The spray bottle will not depart from Jinny, for the sweat glands of the Krackpype will not work of sufficient strength to cool.”

Toward the end of Jinnysis, the Krackpype is clearly identified by her inability to perspire properly.

She will be born with a misunderstanding ear. — Josh 7:14

“But lo, the Krackpype will be vexed to hear spoken words as to mislead, and sounds shall be rearranged to offend; this will give birth to many a confusion.”

This section, which should be carefully studied in context, is a direct prophecy of “Tourette’s of the Ear.”

She will be born in with the need to keep her toes uncovered at night — Formica 5:2

“Though the toes are but a small part of your being, off of them must come all blankets and covers; whose presence warm the body and keep the extremities from the light of morning.”

The Krackpype must have her feet and toes uncovered at night, lest they get “claustrophobic.”

And the Krackpype spoke to her disciples, saying unto them, 2: “These are the things which ye shall not eat among all the foods that are upon the earth; 3: ye shall not eat of oleo; for it is but fake butter; 4: Vanilla creamed ice of Brenham; for it is yellow and not of proper color or flavor, 5: the wife of Hyphen; for she contains all numbers of substances that will cause great headaches, 6: And the Coney, when eaten, must never have ketchup and must always in a bun be contained. 7: And when any will offer a hamburger unto Jinny, his offering shall be with cheese, and he shall not put mustard upon it, for only a single yellow substance may be upon the burger. 8: No egg offering, which ye shall bring unto Jinny, shall be made with cheese: and ye shall add no cheese, nor another other substance, in any scrambled egg. 9: As for the creation of omelets or quiches, ye shall not offer them unto Jinny, for they are unclean and most rank in their texture and flavor. 10: And every oblation of thy meal shalt thou season with salt and pepper; but neither shalt thou suffer the salt for Jinny to be lacking from thy meal: with all thine offerings thou shalt offer salt and pepper.

What can we learn from this passage?

Jinny doesn’t like:

1) Margarine.
2) Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla Ice Cream.
3) Mrs. Dash. (MSG)
4) Hamburgers with cheese and mustard on them.
5) Eggs with cheese.
6) Omelets and Quiche.
7) …it when you don’t have salt and pepper out on the table.

Lest ye corrupt yourselves, and make you any image, the wet or dry similitude of any figure, the likeness of any beast that is on the earth, particularly the likeness of any thing that creepeth on the ground, with thine straw wrapper. And lest thou lift up thine eyes unto heaven, and when thou seest the sun, and the moon, and the stars, even all the host of heaven, shouldest be driven to twist thine straw wrapper, or dispose of them in unto an ashtray, which the server has given unto you and your tabled brethren. For the path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the slovenly and the tyranny of zealous nonsmokers. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, combs the ashtray and cleans the glass. For he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to add trash to or remove my ashtrays. And you will know I am the Krackpype when I lay my random vulgarities upon you.

Upon examination, this passage tells us:

1) Neither create nor worship any graven straw wrapper image.
2) Don’t twist it or ball it up, either.
3) And you damn well better not throw one in the ashtray.
4) Lazy waitstaff and antismoking zealots are evil for they contribute to the moral decay of the world.
5) At a bare minimum, they contribute to the decreasing likelihood of getting a clean ashtray, or anyone at all, for that matter.
6) Conscientious people who clean the ashtray (and smokers who “comb” the ashtray) are worthy of praise.
7) There is nothing more frightening then an upset, shaking, epithet-tossing Jinny.
8) You should just keep the trash out of the ashtray, trust me.

Today’s Life Lesson is about the merits of Intellithumb (TM).

Is it not lawful for you to gesture with your spectacles at what ye will? Is not thine thumb waisted, because ye are smart?
-Stevo 20:15

What can we learn from this verse?

1) People whose thumbs have a waist are intelligent.
2) People with Intellithumb(TM) tend to gesture with their glasses.

Today’s Life Lesson:

I said, I will stir my coffee, I will take hold of the spoon; and hang the spoon on my nose like a vine; And she said the spoon on your nose has been used by truckers; And the roof of thy mouth is now coated in germs, that goeth down poorly, causing those lips of yours that are red to bleed.
-Song of Solomon Smith Barney 8:8-9

What can we learn from today’s verse?

1) Jinny does not like it when you put your spoon on your nose.
2) That spoon has been hung on other people’s noses, too, you know. (Like, for example, truckers)
3) You could get a nasty infection.
4) You should stop that right now.

Today’s Life Lesson is about women who mainly drink beer as their alcohol of choice.

4Realvelation 2:20 Notwithstanding I have many things against thee, because thou sufferest these beer-drinking women, which calleth themselves “Princess,” who seduce my friends to commit fornication, because their hips are oriented so as to squat in the woods to urinate and to be easily accessible to male members.”

What does this verse teach us?

1) Women who drink a lot of beer have backward-tilting hips. This makes their rear-ends stick out.
2) Beer-drinking girls are willing to crouch in the forest to pee.
3) Beer-drinking girls do not have to angle their pelvis for sexual congress; in other words, “They can just sit on your dick.”
4) Jinnyosity teaches us to be kind but distant to these sorts of women.

Welcome to the Church of Jinnyosity. Jinnyosity is a new Reli-Jin, based on the teachings and ways of the wise and one true wholly Krackpype. In order to establish a new religion, it is necessary to flesh out some of the mores and the overall belief system of the practitioners.

On this note, I will, from time to time, be examining customs of the members of this venerable religious institution.

Today’s Life Lesson:

“And as they were eating, Jinny took French Fries, and blew on them, and broke them in half, and showed her plate to the disciples, and said, ‘I must wait to eat; these are too hot.’ And she took the coffee cup, and gave thanks to her server, and poured one-half cream into it, saying, ‘Spill ye the rest of it on the table; for this is my cream of my coffee. This is as blonde as I like my beverage, the excess cream of which is shed for the restitution of dirty tables. But I say unto you, I will not drink henceforth of that handled mug, because I notice a lipstick mark that is not my own.’ And when the dirty hippies in the atrium started playing Nirvana on their guitar, they went out of the restaurant to get cigarettes.”

-The Gospel According to Stevo Chapter 26 (Krackpype Jinny Version)

What can we learn from these verses?

1) Jinny breaks French Fries to cool them down.
2) Jinny only ever uses half a creamer in her coffee.
3) Jinny leaves the other half of the creamer on the table, and someone else always spills it, and the table must then be cleaned.
4) Jinny does not drink from dirty coffee cups.
5) Jinny does not enjoy the din of loud guitar music in a coffee shop.

I will be applying for Tax-Exempt Status soon.