As part of a multipart series, it’s time to delve into Part II:

6 ) Knowledge and communication is key to success.
If you don’t know yourself or your partner, you can’t communicate effectively. If you are unhappy, hurt, or upset, you have to tell the other person. Don’t expect miracles. Your husband/wife is not psychic. In fact, if you are married to me, he may be so boneheaded he doesn’t even understand after you tell him. If you think that you can be “non-confrontational” in a marriage, think again. Marriages are for life, and sooner or later, your significant other is going to do something to tick you off.

7 ) “Ignorance” can be bliss if trust is assured.

Like most couples, Jinny and I have had arguments about money. And like most couples, we argued about the lack there-of, or what happens when you spend a bunch of money (that you don’t have) on your debit card. But at some point it occurred to me that if Jinny knew how much was in the bank, at any time, then we wouldn’t have this problem. So everyday, sometimes twice, Jinny looks at the bank balance. And so she knows if we have money to eat out that night, or if we should stay home. Or if we should be going out of town, or if we should wait until the next payday. In fact, because I trust Jinny, I don’t regularly look at the bank balance anymore. I just assume I have enough money to go to Subway for lunch, or that I can fill the car up tomorrow if the fuel tank is low Obviously, expensive things still require discussion, but I no longer have to worry about a $34 insufficient funds fee for a $2.99 value meal at Wendy’s, and then get mad because Jinny didn’t tell me she bought $150 worth of groceries 5 minutes prior to that on the day before payday.

In this example, I get to be ignorant of the daily bank balance, and Jinny makes sure we don’t bounce checks.
Similarly, Jinny doesn’t worry about car inspections, registration, or oil changes. That is my job.
Because we trust each other, we allow ourselves to ignore things that can cause us undue stress. The underlying element, though, is trust.

8 ) Know your partner’s priorities and your own:
Here is my list of the most important things in my life:
a) my life
b) my self-respect
c) my marriage/wife/family

Don’t think these are always in order as above. I would gladly risk my life for my wife, as I would be willing to lose plenty of self-respect to save my life and or marriage if necessary. But there is line that is drawn; for example, if I caught my spouse cheating and they were not willing to admit that they screwed up and that we needed to work it out, probably with the help of a professional– well, my self-respect is too important to me. My sense of self-worth will not let me put up with that. In very short order my foot would be so far up her ass it would have to be surgically removed. And I can guarantee you I wouldn’t be jumping in front of any cars for my spouse if she wasn’t contrite about her infidelity, either.

If marriage/spouse isn’t in the top two or three things of importance to someone–move on. Things such as Wealth and Sex shouldn’t even make the list. Remember, you marry for richer and poorer. And this part of the vow never mentions whether they are talking about cash, lovemaking or just EPA estimated fuel economy.

9 ) How do you know if your spouse is being unfaithful?
If you are honestly asking this question, there’s your answer.*

10) Friendship is so much more important than “the benefits.”
Before I got married, I was asked by my pastor-friend if I was sure that Jinny was the one for me. One of things that I told him was this: “I really love Jinny, and if we get married, and we wind up never having sex again, I could still live for the rest of my life married to her. We are intimate, sure, but we are best friends first.” Don’t get married solely for passion in the sack. Remember, we may be higher mammals, we are still animals, and there are chemicals involved here… the chemicals that cause you to be initially attracted to your mate will not last forever. Successful marriages require more than a stiffy everytime she walks in the room. Before you DARE get married, ask yourself the very pointed question: Is this person my best friend? If the answer is no, forget it.

*Divorcees and Medically diagnosed paranoids are exempt from this rule. In that case, do some research: Check the phone records, chat history or web activity.

First off, let me wish you warm greetings for the first post I have made this year. I was going to make a post on Groundhog’s Day, but I looked out the window and didn’t see my shadow, so I decided to wait 6 more weeks.

Oh, and– I wish to dedicate this post to my darling wife Jinny. She is the love of my life, and the bedrock on which I am able build myself into a better person. Jinny, let us grow old and gray together. I may not always show it, but you really do mean the world to me.

Ok, ok, now that the general shmoopiness and salutations are out of the way, I’d like to take this blog time to share with you a few of my recent observations:

1) Marriage is not “old-fashioned,” but marriages that are not “families” do not last.
Getting married is a step people who are truly committed to each other take to cement their union. If you don’t want to do it, don’t. But be sure to check how your partner defines marriage. The reasons people marry vary widely, but usually include one or more of the following: the public declaration of love; the formation of a family unit; legitimizing sexual relations and procreation; legal, social and economic stability; and the education and nurturing of children. If your partner does not talk of creating a family, run screaming. By this, I do not mean having children. You can be a childless couple for life and still be a family. Children are born INTO a family, Which means, of course, that the family was created with the marriage. When you and your spouse become a family, life is far different from dating life, and it should be. At least in good times, you should feel completely comfortable. And if that means farting and burping and leaving underwear strewn over the floor, so be it. The family that farts together, stays together, I always say. If you have to be on your best behavior all the time, what fun is that? And how long can that last? If this is the case, you should seek out a marriage counselor, because one of you has a serious stick up his or her ass.

2) Marriage is life-long social contract, and not just to your significant other.
When you get married, the families come along for the ride. And they are your family now, too. Don’t forget it. If you hate her folks, just remember they’ll be your folks too once you say “I do.” And you should treat the other family with at least as much respect as you treat your own family. There seems to be a natural instinct to cling to the wife’s side of the family, but you should always try to see both evenly. Even if you hate your husband’s father, your brother- and sister-in-law might want to see your husband once and a while.

3) Marriage does not have to be between two people of the opposite sex; the significance and importance should be the same regardless of the gender of those involved.
I know same-sex couples that have been together for years, and they hold true to the ideals of marriage (family, commitment of love, etc.) even if they aren’t legally allowed to wed. Most same-sex couples that are interested in marriage are very committed, especially considering that socio-political pressure is against them.

4) The bonds of trust, created early in a relationship, must stay intact for a marriage to thrive. Once severed, it is a long and arduous process to recreate them.
Trust can be lost forever in an instant of discovered infidelity, and unless both parties are willing to work hard to recommit themselves, the relationship is doomed. The cheatee will never trust the cheater ever again, and the cheater will be tempted, because of the self-created problems at home, to find other outlets for his or her needs.

5) The Internet is both the creator and destroyer of marriages. And because “Internet Time” is so much faster than real time, things can happen so fast the other partner never even knows what is going on.
Match.com, e-harmony.com, and other dating sites allow people from all over together to connect, get married, and live happy lives together. However, there are similar sites, and similar technologies, that allow unhappy partners to cheat with greater ease than ever before. I once knew someone whose despicable spouse was IMing her lover via a laptop while her husband sat in the same room, completely unaware!

Such is the way of a rebellious child; they purchaseth for expensive sums clothes of poor quality, and weareth horn-rimmed spectacles, and saith, I know not of Declan of the House of McManus, yet I have done no wickedness. For three things the Earth is disquieted, and for four which it cannot bear: For an offspring to rebel at what his parents rebelled; and a fool when he is wearing pricey clothes that look of a thrift store; For an odious woman who driveth a manual transmission and hath decor hung from the inside mirror; and a child that looks as those that offer for sale the juice of grapes or the crafts of the loom–these children are of the Eternal Darkness. –4Realvelation (Ch 6:4-10)

We can learn from this passage that:

1) Jinny hates rebels without a new cause. Don’t rebel against what your parents rebelled against.
2) Don’t think you’re cool wearing Elvis Costello’s glasses if you don’t even know who he is.
3) Don’t pay $70 dollars for some cheap-ass safety-pinned clothing that Sid Vicious paid a shilling for.
4) Girls who drive a stick and have ‘crap’ hanging from their rear-view mirrors are to be avoided.
5) The “Welch’s Juice Girl” and the “Loomcraft Boy” are inherently evil. Even children that look like them are bad. Keep away.

Jinnyosity tells us that the Krackpype will come, but how will we know if she is the one true Krackpype? Here are a few of the prophecies from the Book of Jinnyosity:

She will be able to find four leaf clovers with ease, and she will like “Kids in The Hall” — Jinnysis 3:15

“And fields will put between you and the woman, and while walking toward you, she will find Trifolium repens with leaves of four; upon which time, she will be “crushing your head”, and you will take to your heels.”

This prophecy is a prediction of the Krackpype’s ability to find four leaf clovers. It also shows that she will have an interest in Canadian sketch comedy.

She will leave Texas and be a marked with a special, hidden tooth. — Jinnysis 12:1-2

“And the Lord God spoke, ‘You will soon leave your state, your people and your paternal grandfather and go to the land I will show you. I will give you a tooth hidden under your tongue that will bless you with the power to frighten your husband.’”

This passage begins to trace the move to Kentucky that will begin in Exit-us. It shows that God would place in Jinny’s mouth a special tooth hidden underneath her tongue that would gross her husband out for the rest of his days.

She will carry a spray bottle because she doesn’t not sweat enough to cool herself down sufficiently — Jinnysis 49:10

“The spray bottle will not depart from Jinny, for the sweat glands of the Krackpype will not work of sufficient strength to cool.”

Toward the end of Jinnysis, the Krackpype is clearly identified by her inability to perspire properly.

She will be born with a misunderstanding ear. — Josh 7:14

“But lo, the Krackpype will be vexed to hear spoken words as to mislead, and sounds shall be rearranged to offend; this will give birth to many a confusion.”

This section, which should be carefully studied in context, is a direct prophecy of “Tourette’s of the Ear.”

She will be born in with the need to keep her toes uncovered at night — Formica 5:2

“Though the toes are but a small part of your being, off of them must come all blankets and covers; whose presence warm the body and keep the extremities from the light of morning.”

The Krackpype must have her feet and toes uncovered at night, lest they get “claustrophobic.”

And the Krackpype spoke to her disciples, saying unto them, 2: “These are the things which ye shall not eat among all the foods that are upon the earth; 3: ye shall not eat of oleo; for it is but fake butter; 4: Vanilla creamed ice of Brenham; for it is yellow and not of proper color or flavor, 5: the wife of Hyphen; for she contains all numbers of substances that will cause great headaches, 6: And the Coney, when eaten, must never have ketchup and must always in a bun be contained. 7: And when any will offer a hamburger unto Jinny, his offering shall be with cheese, and he shall not put mustard upon it, for only a single yellow substance may be upon the burger. 8: No egg offering, which ye shall bring unto Jinny, shall be made with cheese: and ye shall add no cheese, nor another other substance, in any scrambled egg. 9: As for the creation of omelets or quiches, ye shall not offer them unto Jinny, for they are unclean and most rank in their texture and flavor. 10: And every oblation of thy meal shalt thou season with salt and pepper; but neither shalt thou suffer the salt for Jinny to be lacking from thy meal: with all thine offerings thou shalt offer salt and pepper.

What can we learn from this passage?

Jinny doesn’t like:

1) Margarine.
2) Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla Ice Cream.
3) Mrs. Dash. (MSG)
4) Hamburgers with cheese and mustard on them.
5) Eggs with cheese.
6) Omelets and Quiche.
7) …it when you don’t have salt and pepper out on the table.

Lest ye corrupt yourselves, and make you any image, the wet or dry similitude of any figure, the likeness of any beast that is on the earth, particularly the likeness of any thing that creepeth on the ground, with thine straw wrapper. And lest thou lift up thine eyes unto heaven, and when thou seest the sun, and the moon, and the stars, even all the host of heaven, shouldest be driven to twist thine straw wrapper, or dispose of them in unto an ashtray, which the server has given unto you and your tabled brethren. For the path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the slovenly and the tyranny of zealous nonsmokers. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, combs the ashtray and cleans the glass. For he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to add trash to or remove my ashtrays. And you will know I am the Krackpype when I lay my random vulgarities upon you.

Upon examination, this passage tells us:

1) Neither create nor worship any graven straw wrapper image.
2) Don’t twist it or ball it up, either.
3) And you damn well better not throw one in the ashtray.
4) Lazy waitstaff and antismoking zealots are evil for they contribute to the moral decay of the world.
5) At a bare minimum, they contribute to the decreasing likelihood of getting a clean ashtray, or anyone at all, for that matter.
6) Conscientious people who clean the ashtray (and smokers who “comb” the ashtray) are worthy of praise.
7) There is nothing more frightening then an upset, shaking, epithet-tossing Jinny.
8) You should just keep the trash out of the ashtray, trust me.

Today’s Life Lesson is about the merits of Intellithumb (TM).

Is it not lawful for you to gesture with your spectacles at what ye will? Is not thine thumb waisted, because ye are smart?
-Stevo 20:15

What can we learn from this verse?

1) People whose thumbs have a waist are intelligent.
2) People with Intellithumb(TM) tend to gesture with their glasses.

Today’s Life Lesson:

I said, I will stir my coffee, I will take hold of the spoon; and hang the spoon on my nose like a vine; And she said the spoon on your nose has been used by truckers; And the roof of thy mouth is now coated in germs, that goeth down poorly, causing those lips of yours that are red to bleed.
-Song of Solomon Smith Barney 8:8-9

What can we learn from today’s verse?

1) Jinny does not like it when you put your spoon on your nose.
2) That spoon has been hung on other people’s noses, too, you know. (Like, for example, truckers)
3) You could get a nasty infection.
4) You should stop that right now.

Today’s Life Lesson is about women who mainly drink beer as their alcohol of choice.

4Realvelation 2:20 Notwithstanding I have many things against thee, because thou sufferest these beer-drinking women, which calleth themselves “Princess,” who seduce my friends to commit fornication, because their hips are oriented so as to squat in the woods to urinate and to be easily accessible to male members.”

What does this verse teach us?

1) Women who drink a lot of beer have backward-tilting hips. This makes their rear-ends stick out.
2) Beer-drinking girls are willing to crouch in the forest to pee.
3) Beer-drinking girls do not have to angle their pelvis for sexual congress; in other words, “They can just sit on your dick.”
4) Jinnyosity teaches us to be kind but distant to these sorts of women.