Milagro-Beanfield War Veterans Day

Milagro, New Mexico. Elev. 8400. A small and close knit town of families and friends, living and working together in hopes that someday they may actually pay off the balance on that washing machine (that doesn’t work anyway). Jose (Chick Vennera) tries desperately to get work with the new land development company that has just moved in on the town. There’s going to be a golf course and beautiful homes built soon. No luck though, they will not hire the locals for these new jobs. Angered and frustrated, Jose takes a kick at the fixture that now blocks any water flow onto his land..oops…must of kicked something loose, water is now flowing (illegally) into his dried up beanfield, his once livelihood. He should really turn it off, shouldn’t he? But he doesn’t..and so it begins…”The Milagro Beanfield War”. The poor townspeople must decide whether to take a stand together against the rich and powerful land developers. “Milagro” means miracle…just what this town will need!

The fiesty Sonia Braga, who is Ruby the auto mechanic, tries to work the apathetic town into standing up to what’s right for them. Ruben Blades is marvelous as the town sherriff, caught between his loyalty and the law. Carlos Riquelme is “Amarante”, the elder of the town who is able to talk to and get advice from a delightful angel, and you won’t want to miss one word of the conversations. Rounding the cast out nicely is John Heard, Daniel Stern, James Gammon, Melanie Griffith, and Christopher Walken, who adds his special touches as well.

Anyone who has had to watch the entirety of the film is encouraged to celebrate “Milagro Beanfield War Veterans Day,” held on the 31st of June. There is New Mexican Mexican (think “white cheese, not yellow”) food served and beans aplenty. Additionally, one real estate developer is voted by the community to be tarred, feathered, and rode out of town on a rail.

The Donna Summer Solstice occurs on the longest day of the year. Preparation for this extraordinary event involves a shower and shampoo with baby shampoo, because whatever happens in the shower, you want to make sure there are “No More Tears.” When you go out that night to a club, you may hear the moans and groans of “Love to Love You Baby,” which is sung by “Bad Girls” everywhere. The rest of us go on looking for some “Hot Stuff,” and “Heaven Knows” if we’ll ever find some.

Regardless, when we are finished at the club, we all go to a diner, and tradition holds that you must tip the waitresses extraordinarily well that day, because, after all, “She Works Hard For The Money.”

Finally, after the whole ordeal is over, there is one “Last Dance” and the day is done. Time marches on inexorably toward the next Solstice, the Edgar Winter Solstice.

“Your Mama’s So Fat…â€? Tuesday is also known as Votre mère est si Mardi Gras, the festival New Orleans, Louisiana, is famous for. “Gras” is French for fat and “Mardi” is French for Tuesday. “Votre mère est siâ€? is French for “Your mother is so.â€?
This holiday is a joyous one, full of reflections on the incredible obesity of other people’s mothers.
Jokes are exchanged, such as:
Yo mama’s so fat, she gets her toenails painted at Earl Schieb’s.
Yo mama’s so fat, she masturbates reading cookbooks.
Yo mama’s so fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller.
Even Morrissey got into the spirit of things with The Smiths song “Some Girls are Bigger than Others.� Whether he was referring to a particular body part or the whole person is unclear.
“Your Mama’s So Fat…� Tuesday always occurs on the day before M*A*S*H Wednesday. The parties, parades, and heckling will continue until Dryer Lent begins at the stroke of midnight.

The name ‘dies koreanwarcomedium’ (day of M*A*S*Hes) which it bears in the Latin edition of TV Guide probably dates from at least the early-mid 1970’s. On this day all the faithful viewers, according to custom, are exhorted to approach the television at the beginning of M*A*S*H, and be blessed there, in the opening credits, by the priest, Father Mulcahy. A small asterisk is sometimes smeared on the forehead in soot; this indicates that you are a complete M*A*S*Hole (affectionate term for one who enjoys M*A*S*H). M*A*S*H Wednesday coincides with the beginning of Dryer Lent, on the presumption that clothes were often hung up to dry (sans dryer) in the Korean War.

Which M*A*S*H character are you? Take this quiz.

Dryer Lent is a season of softener-searching. It is a season for reflection and taking stock of socks, trying to find all the matching pairs. Dryer Lent originated in the very earliest days of the electric clothes dryer as a preparatory time for Yeaster, when possibly infected clothes were hung on clotheslines and dried by the outside air, to avoid contaminating other laundry with possible contagions. By observing the forty days of Dryer Lent, the individual dryer owner imitates Jesus’ withdrawal into the wilderness for forty days (and subsequent lack of clean, dryer-softened clothes). Lent always begins on M*A*S*H Wednesday, the seventh Wednesday before Yeaster. It is imperative during Dryer Lent that the lint trap is cleaned thoroughly and that the dryer hose is checked to make sure it is free of all obstructions.

In many countries, the last day before Dryer Lent (called “You’re Momma’s So Fat” Tuesday) has become a last fling before the solemnity of Dryer Lent.

Stay tuned for Yeaster , M*A*S*H Wednesday, and “You’re Momma’s So Fat” Tuesday.

Induced Labor Day: A holiday that has become popular with Ob/Gyns, they decide your child’s birthday based around their golf schedule. Gifts on this day should include shots of anesthetic, and possibly forceps — clamps — stat! Golf tees are also a nice gift for the doctor. Celebrated whenever your doctor doesn’t have something better to do.

Impeached President’s Day – Celebrating every American president who was ever impeached. Not really a holiday for most people unless you work at a bank or the post office, this holiday celebrates the failed impeachments of Andrew Johnson and Bill Clinton. (Note: Nixon was not impeached; he resigned prior to his impeachment hearing). Gifts on this day include cigars, stained blue dresses and any Radical Reconstruction memorabilia. Celebrated annually on the 6th Sunday of February.

Gay As Christmas – A holiday for the homosexual and “metrosexual,� this holiday is straight out of a Queer Eye for the Straight Guy episode. First, you decorate the Christmas tree wearing only leather chaps and a vest. Then, because the more the merrier, you decorate another tree for each room of your house. Put on your best ensemble, put a little “product� in your hair, and go out on the town buying all the latest, hottest fashion items at Express for Men for all your elitist, urban friends. Gay As Christmas is at the corner of Kwanzaa and Hannakah.

On account of Mother’s Day, a holiday which I can really only celebrate posthumously (at least until Jinny & I have kids, I guess), I have decided to create a list of Alternative Holidays. These are Holidays to make you feel good, or bad, depending on your situation.

1) Unwed Mother’s Day: For every woman who brings a bastard child into the world, there is this special holiday. Depending on the country, she can either be celebrated for her independence [Murphy Brown-style] or villified and permanently banished from the village [Deuteronomy-style]. This holiday takes place every April 31. Depending on the region, sometimes all that is needed for celebration is a congratulatory card, or a withering stare while holding a very throwable rock.

2) AfterBirthday: This holiday is a personal holiday, the celebration of the disposable link between you and your mother, later sold by the hospital to make cosmetics or to do stem cell research. Most people can celebrate their AfterBirthday and their Birthday on the same day, but because it can take between 10 minutes to 5 hours for the placenta and fetal membranes to be expelled, it is sometimes the day after your actual birthday. Appropriate gifts depend on the region, but click here to see some interesting ideas on celebrating your AfterBirthday.

3) Who’s the Father’s Day: While often celebrated in families that also celebrate Unwed Mother’s Day, this holiday can also be celebrated by the offspring of those who have used sperm banks or those who have had an affair with the milkman/poolboy/repairman/etc. This holiday was invented by a marketing consortium that offers paternity tests, and was quickly adopted (no-pun intended) by women looking for someone to sue for child support. Not a very popular holiday for men. Gifts for this occasion include court orders for bloodwork and calls from children saying “Mommy tells me you are my Daddy.”