No More:

1) References to dog urine as “love juice” or a dog phallus as a “weenis”
2) Unthoughtful or otherwise completely random gifts from “Mom’s Gift Closet”
3) Listening to someone tell me that they WANT their future kid to be emasculated, gay, and nerdy.
4) Being embarrassed at Grandma’s by unthoughtful behavior.
5) Psuedo-intellectual condescension from someone who failed high school algebra.
6) Being embarrassed at Pif’s, or Merrie’s, by past, present, or future behavior of said person.
7) Lame nights that end at 10:00pm.
8 ) Bean sprouts with oatmeal for breakfast.
9) Brother-less Christmases.
10) Ugly Shoes.
11) Picking on my wife for being old-fashioned.
12) Hairy armpit magazines.
13) Sour Pickle Face.
14) Invitations to dildo parties.
15) Unwarranted insults to my extended family.
16) Fashion Police from the “Diesel Dyke” brigade.
17) Cankle and Glow-in-the-Dark teeth.
18) Fashion hypocrisy– like bell bottoms, the skunk hairdo, and capri pants.
19) “friends” who don’t split checks.
20) brown everything.
21) relatives who don’t offer to do dishes after family events.
22) bullshit comparisons to make one sound superior - “Thanksgiving Dinner is MUCH harder than Christmas Dinner…”
23) Shoe Shopping
24) bragging about being health consciousness while consuming margaritas.
25) “Spider hands”
26) soy milk
27) dreading trips to Austin
28) Flippant, final, or hurtful remarks from someone who thinks that getting a back alley hand-job in a Northeast Asian country is perfectly acceptable for a married man.
29) turning off the fan
30) trying to explain that an 84-year-old woman who sends handmade kitchen scrubbies out to friends and family is not out to “domesticate” anyone.