Marriage Is Not “Old-Fashioned”
First off, let me wish you warm greetings for the first post I have made this year. I was going to make a post on Groundhog’s Day, but I looked out the window and didn’t see my shadow, so I decided to wait 6 more weeks.
Oh, and– I wish to dedicate this post to my darling wife Jinny. She is the love of my life, and the bedrock on which I am able build myself into a better person. Jinny, let us grow old and gray together. I may not always show it, but you really do mean the world to me.
Ok, ok, now that the general shmoopiness and salutations are out of the way, I’d like to take this blog time to share with you a few of my recent observations:
1) Marriage is not “old-fashioned,” but marriages that are not “families” do not last.
Getting married is a step people who are truly committed to each other take to cement their union. If you don’t want to do it, don’t. But be sure to check how your partner defines marriage. The reasons people marry vary widely, but usually include one or more of the following: the public declaration of love; the formation of a family unit; legitimizing sexual relations and procreation; legal, social and economic stability; and the education and nurturing of children. If your partner does not talk of creating a family, run screaming. By this, I do not mean having children. You can be a childless couple for life and still be a family. Children are born INTO a family, Which means, of course, that the family was created with the marriage. When you and your spouse become a family, life is far different from dating life, and it should be. At least in good times, you should feel completely comfortable. And if that means farting and burping and leaving underwear strewn over the floor, so be it. The family that farts together, stays together, I always say. If you have to be on your best behavior all the time, what fun is that? And how long can that last? If this is the case, you should seek out a marriage counselor, because one of you has a serious stick up his or her ass.
2) Marriage is life-long social contract, and not just to your significant other.
When you get married, the families come along for the ride. And they are your family now, too. Don’t forget it. If you hate her folks, just remember they’ll be your folks too once you say “I do.” And you should treat the other family with at least as much respect as you treat your own family. There seems to be a natural instinct to cling to the wife’s side of the family, but you should always try to see both evenly. Even if you hate your husband’s father, your brother- and sister-in-law might want to see your husband once and a while.
3) Marriage does not have to be between two people of the opposite sex; the significance and importance should be the same regardless of the gender of those involved.
I know same-sex couples that have been together for years, and they hold true to the ideals of marriage (family, commitment of love, etc.) even if they aren’t legally allowed to wed. Most same-sex couples that are interested in marriage are very committed, especially considering that socio-political pressure is against them.
4) The bonds of trust, created early in a relationship, must stay intact for a marriage to thrive. Once severed, it is a long and arduous process to recreate them.
Trust can be lost forever in an instant of discovered infidelity, and unless both parties are willing to work hard to recommit themselves, the relationship is doomed. The cheatee will never trust the cheater ever again, and the cheater will be tempted, because of the self-created problems at home, to find other outlets for his or her needs.
5) The Internet is both the creator and destroyer of marriages. And because “Internet Time” is so much faster than real time, things can happen so fast the other partner never even knows what is going on.
Match.com, e-harmony.com, and other dating sites allow people from all over together to connect, get married, and live happy lives together. However, there are similar sites, and similar technologies, that allow unhappy partners to cheat with greater ease than ever before. I once knew someone whose despicable spouse was IMing her lover via a laptop while her husband sat in the same room, completely unaware!
Well said, well said.
I am always reminded of something Kim Barfield once told me way back when her parents were getting divorced, back during sophomore year at Oak. She sighed, and said, “You know, before you fall in love, you need to be friends first, or it’s not going to work out.”
I’ve personally taken that advice to heart, and it’s worked out great for me. Hell, Misty (my gf) and I had been friends for nearly a decade before we decided to start seriously dating, and it’s been for the best. I can’t see myself being seriously involved with someone who isn’t one of my best friends, and Misty is that in spades. She and I may drive each other batty sometimes, but our friendship helps pull us through.
One little thing that might have been forgotten in this is something that Epiphany and I hold to be paramount in our relationship (and something we notice in others who have successful relationships):
Friendship.
Love (erotic or otherwise) comes and goes for many people. There may be times when things get tough, and having a “lover” isn’t what helps make it through these times. Having a good friend…a best friend…is what makes these times tolerable.
This is of such importance: If you are not “best friends” with the one you are married to, and bad times come around, who are you going to turn to? Another friend? If so…well, you’ll be leaving your husband or wife in the cold, probably feeling as upset as you are….and maybe without anyone to talk to!
So…if someone who is getting married cannot say that their significant other is their best friend…above and beyond all the other friends…then you’re setting yourself up for failure.
I should have mentioned that I had more points. Friendship is something I was going to mention in my next post. I had 10 points originally, but my fingers got tired, so I decided to just publish what I had for the night. Who knew people were waiting for so long for me to finally put something up?