We are hiring for a new position at work – and as you know I hate doing interviews. So, in the spirit of insanity, Travis, Jinny and I have come up with some questions sure to stump anyone: These were originally written for our friend, Gerry, but they have been altered here for the purpose of the hiring process:

1) Do you have an Iraqi exit strategy?
2) Do you believe in a timeline?
3) Have you armed your significant other in preparation?
4) Tell me about your nastiest ex co-worker.

[at this point, have the phone ring and answer it. After a couple of “unhuhs,” say, “Plastic army men placed in intimate places? *pause* Really? *pause* Well, this soldier wants to see some action!” and then hang up the phone]

5) What does your mother not know about your relationships?
6) What do you see as your sibling’s major challenges?
7) Is it really bigger than a breadbox?
8) Yani and Linda Evans are coming to your house for dinner – how do you & your significant other prepare?
9) What friends do you invite?
10) Assign tasks for preparation.
11) Name a purple vegetable.
12) What do you hope for if you find out you or your partner is pregnant? Boy or a girl?
13) Is the right lane the new left lane?
14) Who is the most attractive male golfer?
15) AMD – Great or Greatest?
16) Favorite light bulb – Florescent or REALLY Florescent?
17) Congenital birth defect or genital birth defect?
18) What do you do in your spare time?
-How much time?
-How much is too much spare time?
-How do measure success?
-How do you measure your sense of failure?
19) What new experiences has your partner introduced to you? No food answers, please.
20) What is the pantheon of your household and how do you intend to educate your children regarding this?
21) What is your superpower? You must also have at least one vulnerability and it can not be preexisting. Who is your arch-nemesis?
22) What’s better – copious amounts of blood or the stench of death?
23) Please begin the following answer with “Actually,”
24) Please say, “Cabbage.”
25) What are your thoughts on the true events of the Michael Jackson child molestation case? Please use nonspecific pronouns in your answer.
26) Define “mancabbage.”
27) Ziggy jumps out of the calendar in your mom’s home and hangs out with the Hummel’s. They have a conversation. Narrate.
28) If you compare your father with an action figure, who would he be and why? Please, no toy soldiers.
29) What is the most boring place in your house?
30) You are James Bond and your partner is a Bond girl. What challenge to they face and what is the romantic finale? Is Dame Judy Dench involved in any way?
31) Without using profanity, what is your favorite expletive?
32) I’m planning on hiring someone at work. Do you think any of these questions could be used in the interview?
33) What does the phrase, “My Buddy” mean to you? Who is your buddy?
34) Define “sphinctervision.”

If you would like to answer of the above questions, or if you would like to comment on my potential interview questions, feel free to do so.