We are hiring for a new position at work – and as you know I hate doing interviews. So, in the spirit of insanity, Travis, Jinny and I have come up with some questions sure to stump anyone: These were originally written for our friend, Gerry, but they have been altered here for the purpose of the hiring process:

1) Do you have an Iraqi exit strategy?
2) Do you believe in a timeline?
3) Have you armed your significant other in preparation?
4) Tell me about your nastiest ex co-worker.

[at this point, have the phone ring and answer it. After a couple of “unhuhs,” say, “Plastic army men placed in intimate places? *pause* Really? *pause* Well, this soldier wants to see some action!” and then hang up the phone]

5) What does your mother not know about your relationships?
6) What do you see as your sibling’s major challenges?
7) Is it really bigger than a breadbox?
8) Yani and Linda Evans are coming to your house for dinner – how do you & your significant other prepare?
9) What friends do you invite?
10) Assign tasks for preparation.
11) Name a purple vegetable.
12) What do you hope for if you find out you or your partner is pregnant? Boy or a girl?
13) Is the right lane the new left lane?
14) Who is the most attractive male golfer?
15) AMD – Great or Greatest?
16) Favorite light bulb – Florescent or REALLY Florescent?
17) Congenital birth defect or genital birth defect?
18) What do you do in your spare time?
-How much time?
-How much is too much spare time?
-How do measure success?
-How do you measure your sense of failure?
19) What new experiences has your partner introduced to you? No food answers, please.
20) What is the pantheon of your household and how do you intend to educate your children regarding this?
21) What is your superpower? You must also have at least one vulnerability and it can not be preexisting. Who is your arch-nemesis?
22) What’s better – copious amounts of blood or the stench of death?
23) Please begin the following answer with “Actually,”
24) Please say, “Cabbage.”
25) What are your thoughts on the true events of the Michael Jackson child molestation case? Please use nonspecific pronouns in your answer.
26) Define “mancabbage.”
27) Ziggy jumps out of the calendar in your mom’s home and hangs out with the Hummel’s. They have a conversation. Narrate.
28) If you compare your father with an action figure, who would he be and why? Please, no toy soldiers.
29) What is the most boring place in your house?
30) You are James Bond and your partner is a Bond girl. What challenge to they face and what is the romantic finale? Is Dame Judy Dench involved in any way?
31) Without using profanity, what is your favorite expletive?
32) I’m planning on hiring someone at work. Do you think any of these questions could be used in the interview?
33) What does the phrase, “My Buddy” mean to you? Who is your buddy?
34) Define “sphinctervision.”

If you would like to answer of the above questions, or if you would like to comment on my potential interview questions, feel free to do so.

421 Son of a… Festivus – The cut and run of Haggis at eP becomes a Festivus unvitation and Jackie (Jacquelyn Brooks) and Chris (Chris Shepherd) attend in his stead. Drew’s walks at UH, and Travis shows up with a plan to interview Gerry (T. Fitzgerald Toll). Meanwhile, Henry’s disappointing bonus leads him to examine opportunities elsewhere. 60min.

420 Domo Arigato Mr. Distracto – It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas—Garrett (Matt Damon) has just won $10,000. The gang urges Mr. Distracto to get out of his home; he isn’t so sure. Planning for Festivus and the holidays has Sean working overtime, and Garrett has a knack for derailing conversations. Haggis puts in his two week notice to the surprise of no one. 60min.

419 Salisbury Stake – Because of recent travels, Sean & Jinny forgo T-Day with Bob and Pam and spend it instead with Deano. After Thanksgiving, Sean has another meeting, this time with “Big Chicken,” and Jinny discovers that there is a lot to like about Delmarva. 60min.

418 Pulltops and a Sri Lankan Named Mario – With Iowa a bust and other options limited, Sean finally gives in and leaves for the UAE. Ninjas, police, and disparate housewives fly in and out of RCP as Dean pays for dinner. Meanwhile, in Dubai, Sean throws a snowball and eats Mexican food. Special Guests: Shabbir Pancha, Sunil Premchandani, Jobe Elumalai, and Hedley Nuttall. 60min.

417 All Douched Out – Iowa is a bust, and Garrett’s mad ninja skills go on a world tour. Mike (Mike Patterson) goes to jail as Bob celebrates his 61st. Sean finally makes it to Mulate’s with Jinny, and Becky (Rebecca E. Smith) serves cocktails at her fabulous 50’s Halloween party. The gang dress to impress; Garrett is suitably awed. Henry is bussed flat back to Baton Rouge. Also, McCormick Manor hosts Xanadu on the big screen for Jinny’s 32nd. 60min.

416 Window Seat on a Sinking Ship – After Rita, Sean finally gets a window office. Dean’s home theatre is completed, and Jinny helps Garrett get his passport. A bounced check is a sign from God, and another opportunity; another trip – this time to Muscatine, Iowa, to search for Judy. Special Guest: William Shatner. 60min.

415 Drinking, Dancing, and F***ing Hurricanes – Henry is shipped off to New Orleans for Katrina AfterM*A*T*H*. Rita zeros in on Texas while Sean’s Grandma (Fae Hirschy) falls and breaks her hip. Moxie goes on a Stephenville vacation and the McCormick’s seek shelter at the House On the Rock. An energy crisis looms at eP while Dean and DDF battle traffic and flee to Austin, escaping torrential wind and rain. 90min.

414 Monsterous Consequences – On the way home from moving the parents in Stephenville, news of a Cat 5 bearing down on Louisiana finally reaches Sean & Jinny. Uncertain if world travel is for him, Sean investigates alternatives. A posting brings Sean a new office, a new title, and new responsibilities. Pigs fly: Sean takes Jinny to a movie for their anniversary. 60min.

413 The Plodding Lumber – With the last of the wooden path finally removed, Sean & Jinny help Bob and Pam move into their new home. The Pattersons have a new kitten; Sean names it “Dander.” Haggis (Scotch MacBastard) hooks up with a married friend, and Sean pays a visit to Monster. Becky’s horror movie night does not sit well with a squeamish Sean. 60min.