So last night I moved to the Palm Hotel, which has so much marble everywhere that I can’t get any traction with my shoes on. No, the faucets are not gold, but the accommodations are nice, if strangely Spartan in certain areas. The bedroom has two twin beds, for example. I don’t think I have actually ever been in a hotel with twin beds… And for a very luxurious hotel, there is no Internet, and definitely not wireless. Actually, I lie, there are kiosks downstairs that you can access the Internet from, but that doesn’t really count, does it?

Since I have been here in the UAE, I have accompanied by David and Maddie. Not in real life of course, but on DVD. My brother came down right before I left and brought me a copy of the first and second season DVDs of Moonlighting, and I have been watching them, in order, as I have had the time. I am finally on disc five, which has the first Christmas episode on it. Do you know how strange it is to be in Arabia, watching Hollywood celebrate Christmas with fake snow? Well, now I do, and it is a strange thing to wake up to.

I ordered breakfast room service this morning, and tried to watch UAE TV. Not very exciting, really. There were a couple of movie channels, one of which was showing Kuffs with Christian Slater. I have discovered every movie is more interesting with Arabic subtitles, especially when there is a line of Arabic in parenthesises… what could it be that they were saying? I didn’t hear anything in parenthesises… They tell me that Arabic is read left to right. Which allows me to look at it and understand it not one bit more. To me, it is still squiggles and dots, with the occasional line. I think I understand the numbers, since our numbers are derived from them. But everything else, I am lost. It is a good thing that everything is in both English and Arabic here.

A word of explanation for those of you who do not quite understand the UAE. As you can see from my previous post, yes, indeed, it is in the Middle East, on the Arabian Peninsula. And yes, it borders Oman and Saudi Arabia. But the UAE is neither of these countries, and Dubai is posed to be the Singapore of the Middle East. It is booming– out my hotel window, I counted over 20 cranes. They are building left and right. The demand for housing is great, and the UAE is the process of allowing people to actually own homes. Or it could be a 99 year lease, I’m still not sure about that. Over 70% of the people that live here are not from here. Most are from “the subcontinent” as they like to call India, although there are quite a few people from the UK. Quite a few white South Africans have moved here too, fleeing the political unrest that has gone on since the fall of the white government there. In fact, and I may have mentioned this before, I have yet to actually talk to anyone who is a native (with the possible exception of the man who stamped my passport).

I have learned some other interesting things, too– for example, Muslims take off their sandals or shoes (most wear sandals) before entering the mosque. And so, from the staff house last Friday, there was a giant pile of shoes visible from 19 stories up. Other interesting facts… An Emirate is a city-state ruled by an Emir. Abu Dhabi is one Emirate, and Dubai is another. There are of course others, for a total of 7, but most of these are much more “rural,” if rural is the word you use in a place where it is mostly sand and date palms. Jebel Ali, in case you haven’t heard me mention this name before, is a “free zone,” that is, a place for multinational companies to set up shop that is exempt from taxes, tariffs, and the like. It is in Dubai, though on the Abu Dhabi-side of Dubai.

In any case, this morning, I took my shower, and after taking 20 minutes to figure out where the shower switch was, I got dressed, and came down stairs to wait for my ride to the office. After smoking a cigarette, I came back into the lobby to wait, since traffic in Dubai is terrible, I think Jobe will be late. 25 minutes, so far, and counting. Anyway, as I opened up my laptop, the Muzak here in the lobby started playing “As Time Goes By.” I looked outside briefly to see if there were any Nazis around ready to storm the bar looking for Lazlow, and, of course, seeing none, I settled down to type this up.

“Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

Here in the UAE, the weekends are Friday and Saturday. Which means today is a holiday. But that hasn’t stopped me from working… of course not.

Last night someone from Kingwood showed up at the staff house, so it was actually pretty fun.

Two views outside the window of the staff house, which is a 3 bedroom penthouse apartment on the 17th floor overlooking the Persian Gulf:

And yes, the mosque can wake you up in the morning, even that high up off the ground.

So here I am in the UAE. How is it? Not so bad, actually. But it is the little things that freak you out the most. For example:

1) “Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.” This is on a Skoda, which is a European car aligned with VW.

2) The maximum speed limit here is 120km/hr and if you go above that a bell goes off. I have been in four different vehicles so far and each one them the bell has gone off.

3) Nissan has cars over that you have never heard of in America. Like the “Sunny,” which is basically a Sentra.

4) Everything is in Arabic and English, even the stop signs.

5) White appears to be the normal car color over here, which makes sense to me.

6) Newspaper front pages are made of magazine stock – they are glossy.

7) Yes, I have actually seen camels. 4 so far.

8) On businesses, all doors open in. So if you are running from a burning building, remember to pull the door open!

9) Merge signs are ridiculously small.

10) Curve signs are colored red and white, not yellow and black, as here in the States.

11) the UAE is a curious mix of American and English standards, with Arabic on everything. Coke cans are in Arabic and English, people drive on the right side of the road, but use UK-style electricity (220V).

12) Gas is so cheap they don’t advertise the price on the signs.

13) The weirdest thing of all – pull tabs on soft drinks. I have not seen pull tabs on soft drinks since I rode a bike with training wheels. That’s all they use here.

That’s it for now, more later!

Well, I leave at 4:00 CST on my exciting trip to the UAE. Where is the UAE, you ask? Well, It looks really cool to do this in Google Earth, but for now, Google Maps will have to suffice.

You are here, (or there about)

http://www.google.com/maps?ll=31.344254,-97.448730&spn=6.718323,10.958862&hl=en

I have a stopover here:

http://www.google.com/maps?q=gatwick+London&ll=51.294559,-0.244446&spn=2.460492,7.180664&hl=en

Until ultimately, I will be 10 hours ahead of you, here:

http://www.google.com/maps?ll=26.254010,53.657227&spn=14.085498,21.917725&hl=en

I’ll be back on Wednesday, 23rd. I’ll try to post, but no promises. The country has a state-run Internet provider…

Got this from Jinny, who got it from BDogg… Why does BDogg always find such cool stuff? Anyway, I made a quiz. It’s exciting, really… Take my quiz and then Check out the Scoreboard!

Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!

You know, if my grandparent’s generation was “The Greatest Generation,” (and as an aside, I would have to say this is probably correct) then I vote Baby Boomers to be “The Weakest Link.” Yes, my parents were boomers. I have worked for boomers. I have had to suffer through the boomers and all of their BS*. Let’s look at why the Boomers deserve not to get their social security money, shall we?

1) Never trust anyone over 30. They said it themselves. Now, they are all way over 30. Don’t trust them.
2) Fox News. Why is it that this station can get away with the kind of sound effects that are all leftover from “A Current Affair?” One word. Boomers. [insert nauseating sound effects here]
3) Let’s look at the boomer presidents and compare them with their predecessors… Clinton vs. Truman. Hmmm. Truman dropped the bomb, Clinton drops his pants. I vote Truman. W vs. Nixon. Nixon got us OUT of a foolish war we shouldn’t have messed with. W got us in one.
4) Boomer news people can’t be trusted. Um, Dan Rather as an example.
5) Everything in that idiot song by Billy Joel, “We Didn’t Start the Fire.” Well, you sure as hell didn’t even try to put it out much, did you? Cola Wars? Stupid Boomers.
6) Boomers are responsible for such inanities as “New Coke” and the remake of “Ishtar.”
7) Boomers got the vote down to age 18, and then pushed the drinking age up to 21. But the drafting age is still 18. Go figure that one out.
8) Boomers did all the drugs they wanted, then decided once they started having kids, that “Drugs are baaaaad.”
9) Boomers, more than any previous generation, have decided to codify every aspect of life. You are legally required to wear a seatbelt, a bicycle helmet, a motorcycle helmet (in some states), etc. And smoking is verboten in all sorts of places that smoking should be allowed. (like at the bar in the airport, for example). Why? Because they think that they know best. But then they get upset when that American boy got caned for grafitti in Singapore.
10) Boomers are the busybodies that came up with things like political correctness. They are also the same ones that love Cadillac SUVs. Sick son-of-a-bitches.
11) Let’s not forget the whole reason we need tort reform is that boomers like lawsuits, too.

Lastly, and most importantly, boomers are the ones driving up health care costs, with their made-up diseases. Attention-Deficit Disorder? How about “Psychiatric Quackery Disorder…” when you believe anyone with an MD or Ph.D. just because they said it was a real disease. Remember, 50% of all doctors graduate in the bottom half of their class. Back in the days of the “Greatest Generation,” you didn’t take Ritalin or Prozac or a Paxil. They all did just fine, thank you. And don’t get me started on Viagra.
Nut up, you sissy Boomers!

Come to think of it, there is one thing that the “Greatest Generation” did really poorly with. Raising their children.

*Boomer Stuff

Unhappy with the original, I have gone back to the drawing board, and I present to you a newer, slightly more colorful masthead. Thoughts?

I thought it was about time to change the masthead. I try to change it every 30 to 45 posts. Whadya think?

The other day, while reading a Psy Guy post on English as the official language, I wrote:

Americans don’t have the patience of the Swiss, with their 4 offical languages, or the politeness of Canada, with their two offical languages. Apologies to Cajuns everywhere, but we did the right thing in Louisiana back in the day by requiring you all to learn English. Please, keep your culture and teach your kids French too, but if you want to get around in this country or most of the free world, the language to teach in the schools is ENGLISH.

This is the exact same policy we need to adopt elsewhere.

Before we go making NEW laws, how about enforcing the ones we already have? If you cracked down on illegal immigration, there would be far less need to have Spanish and English on my voter registration card.

On the flip side, Catholics breed faster that Protestants, so maybe we should get used to the fact that there will only be more Hispanics in North and South America in the future. It may behoove us to learn Spanish after all. And the Mormon language, too, while we are at it, since they also breed like rabbits.

In some ways, I feel that the last part of my comment was (somewhat understandably) written off. However, today I would like to explore that subject a little more. Some points for consideration:

a) Hispanics, illegal or no, are mostly Catholic.
b) Catholics believe every sperm is sacred. (This of course makes every male over age 12 a mass murderer. If sperm is sacred, shouldn’t this make every woman who has a period [a.k.a. an unfertilized egg] also a sinner? Only seems fair to me.)
c) Catholics traditionally tend to have larger families than Protestants. I was going to provide real numbers, but the US Census Bureau is prohibited from asking about religion.
d) Mormons traditionally have larger families than even Catholics.
e) Mormons tend to live in a part of the country that used to be Mexican territory.
f) Hispanics tend to live in a part of the country that used to be Mexican territory.

So, my theory is this: It’s Brigham Young vs. Pancho Villa in The Battle of the American West. Perhaps the solution to the illegal immigrant problem is to post all the bike-riding Mormon missionary kids in Texas, New Mexico, Arizona and California. They can ride back and forth on the border and proselytize. This should be an effective tactic for keeping unwanted aliens from coming here and cutting lawns.

Protestants, you’ve been warned. It’s only a matter of time until you’re squeezed east of the Mississippi entirely.