As taken from Epiphany, who took it from Happy Catholic, who took it from– oh, I dunno know. You how this thing goes…

My Top Ten Non-Familial Influences (from a historical perspective)

10. Carl Sagan
From the 4th grade on, I have had a love of science and astronomy that blossomed from a reading (and re-reading) of the books of Carl Sagan. Even though I didn’t much like arithmatic, I did have to admire the beauty and symmetry of nature and the laws of physics gained by reading his books.
9. Arthur C. Clarke
If Carl Sagan turned me on to Science, Arthur C. Clarke turned me on to Science Fiction. With new technologies comes new experiences, and any technology sufficiently advanced is magical to less advanced cultures. Long before today’s arguements, Clarke took on aliens, cloning, and even invented the concept of the geosynchronus communications satellite, with out which Fox News would be impossible. (Well, with the good comes the bad, right?)
8. Charles Fort
Much later in my life, I discovered, as 19th Century author Charles Fort did, that for every advance in scientific theory, there is a great deal of evidence that is left sitting around, swept under the rug because it does not fall into the prevailing scientific logic of the day. From frog falls to UFO’s, anything that does not fit neatly into theories is “damned,” to a sort of evidential pergatory whereby either the observer or the evidence is discredited. Don’t believe me? 100 years ago, the fact that numerous fossils (and layers of sediment) that can be found in Eastern North America and Western Europe were the same was considered circumstantial. The fact the South America “fits” into Africa or that Madagascar looks like a piece out of Africa… all of this was silly nonsense, because everyone “knew” that the continents had always been the way they are today. Nowadays, it’s called plate tectonics. Alfred Wegener was laughed at by scientists everywhere for suggesting what any 7 year-old could see– the continents were once all together.
7. Craig Beiser
Craig helped me grow after I left junior high; he exposed me to things from The Smiths to vegans to skating to alcohol– Craig also taught me that there is a time and place to lie to your parents, and a time to come clean.
6. Scottie Garrison
Whereas Craig exposed me to The Smiths, Scottie made me listen to The Pixies, the Flaming Lips, and everyone in-between. While he was no angel, he did have a good heart. If it weren’t for Scottie, it may be possible that I never would have married Jinny. Then again, it may be possible I would have married her 5 years before I did.
5. Travis Breaux
Travis was by far more of an intellectual than Scottie, and my reach of different concepts and ideals was constantly stretched and expanded by just hanging out with Travis. While there was never a dull moment with any of these guys, with Travis, you were never sure where things were going to lead. One day it might be the mythical blender in his backyard, another day it might be climbing buildings, and a third day, it might be picking up a girl and taking them to coffee, just to chat.
4. A 3-Way Tie: Staci Heien/Kirstin Moburg/Tami Nelson
With all of the previous entries, I learned new things about my surroundings, science, or the world at large. But with Staci, Tami, and Kirstin, I learned about relationships.
From Staci I learned that you can’t mold a person to be the person you want them to be if they aren’t motivated to change. And, most importantly, I learned that wearing you heart on your sleeve only leaves you exposed for future catastrophe. If dating is a game, then it is more like poker than chess. There is a certain element of bluff, and and a definite element of the ante up. Mostly, I learned that it is important to know when to fold. And always fold before she does.
From Kirstin I learned that there is a limit to how many times you can date on-and-off, and that with this dating scenario comes the law of diminishing returns. I also learned that I am allergic to cats, and that “…some girls are bigger than others. Some girl’s mothers are bigger than other girl’s mothers…” Plus I learned that freckles are okay, after all. ‘Ginger girls’ can be hot.
From Tami I learned that it really is impossible to have a Harry & Sally type friendship, because the relationship is always lurking under the surface, if only from one person’s point of view. Fortunately for me, I had already learned about when to “fold,” so this was not so bad. But through Tami I was exposed to a wealth of different things, from “Rad Space Car 54″ to the Museum District. And like Travis, with her, you never knew that you were going to get.
3. Henry Britt
What can one say about Henry? I’ve known him for 10 years, now, and I can say for certain that dependability is not traditionally one of his better virtues. Somehow, that doesn’t seem to matter. Whenever we meet up, we just seem to pick up where we left off. More than anyone else, he has assisted in some of most Diantological activites – Blue, Red Cedar Place Steering Council meetings, and, of course, Festivus.
2. Ava McCarthy
Languishing in North Carolina in 1995, Ava took me in, fed me, and treated me like one of her own children. She was there for me when my parents were absent, she was there for me even when her own daughter wanted me out of the house. I have always felt a moral debt to Ava for helping me get my head back on straight, for getting me back in touch with the part of me that wanted to succeed and become something more than what I was. I think back on how she helped me, and I look at people in my environment that need this kind of help, and I try to do what she would do.
1. Gerry Toll
What can I say about Gerry? I have known him 2/3rds of my life, and I would like to think that from 4th grade until sometime after college, our interaction has molded each other into the people we are today.

Lastly, as an honorable mention, I would like to name Kourt DeHaas, for reasons best explained in his own comments.

Well, last time around I told you all to Meme about me– and since you are all lazy, shiftless, good for nothing blog readers, only one person did.

So, just to show you that I can put my money where my mouth is (although it doesn’t taste too good), here is the You Tell Me Meme for Lemon Jinny:

1) If I were a flavor of ice cream, what would I be and why?
“Vanilla Junk,” a flavor of ice cream that is vanilla with some seriously strange stuff mixed in: nuts, marshmallows, graham cracker crumbs, and rocks of real crack cocaine! Served in a glass cone so you can really smoke that sh*t.

2) If I were a horror villain, who would I be, and why?
“Kwean” Freak, a woman of noble birth with a lisp who terrorizes the community by inspected doors knobs, countertops, and ashtrays for random dirt and stickiness. Her kryptonite? No towels in the bathroom.

3) If I were a dog, what kind would I be?
Golden Retriever. Long legs, nice build, loving– but is very in need of pets.

4) If I had a theme song, what would it be?
“Oops I did it again”

5) If I was a subject in school, what subject would I be?
Recess

6) What is my most distinguishing characteristic?
That damn tooth.

7) If you were going to give me a makeover, what would you do and how would you make me look?
I would dress you up like the maid from Benson, Krause. Largely because you’d hate it. Alternately, I’d dress you up goth. You’d hate that too.

8) What foreign country would I cause the most trouble in?
Saudi Arabia. You are always showing your feet.

9) What is the one crime you can most see me committing?
A tie between pulling the tags off your mattress and killing your spouse.

10) What is the one thing will I be most famous for?
That damn tooth.

The Gen Y Poster Boy of pop culture ignorance…

Garrett shows us once again why shows like the Gilmore Girls, Family Guy and MST3K will not survive much longer. To Garrett’s credit, it’s not just him. Billy, our high school intern at work, shows the same ignorance of any pop culture reference from before 1989.

The list continues below.

“Turn on Your Heartlight”
Flock of Seagulls
Woolworth’s (which, by the way, are still around in the UAE!)
Dime Store
Rosie the Riveter
Houston Knights
Walter Kronkite “Isn’t he a sports star?” says Garrett. Jinny thinks he says “Isn’t he a porn star?” which is even funnier.
You Can’t Do That on Television
Downtown Julie Brown
Haircut 100 (Jinny thinks this unfair, since she doesn’t even know who they are…)

Jinny has come up with her own meme, although this one is different… rather than filling out another meme about yourself, you actually fill it out about the person who has posted it.

So, here is it is, the “You Tell Me Meme.” Anyone who reads this should also fill this out on my behalf in the comments section.

1) If I were a flavor of ice cream, what would I be and why?

2) If I were a horror villain, who would I be, and why?

3) If I were a dog, what kind would I be?

4) If I had a theme song, what would it be?

5) If I was a subject in school, what subject would I be?

6) What is my most distinguishing characteristic?

7) If you were going to give me a makeover, what would you do and how would you make me look?

8) What foreign country would I cause the most trouble in?

9) What is the one crime you can most see me committing?

10) What is the one thing will I be most famous for?

“Do I need to get you a helmet and a short bus?”

“Runes are just really bad penmanship.”

“Jagermeister makes men smell like pepperoni.”

“Men and women have different urine. Haven’t you ever seen foamy and smelly manpee?”

…My Two Front Teeth?

Because I have been asked, here is my Christmas wish list.

DVD Sets:
Mary Tyler Moore Show (Seasons One, Two, or Three)
The Bob Newhart Show (Seasons One or Two)
Moonlighting (Season One/Two Set) This includes the pilot episode, so that separate disc is not necessary.

Noise-cancelling headphones

Hardcase luggage. Recent planeflights have destroyed or damaged the luggage I currently have to the point that they won’t make another flight.

That awesome cigarette case-flask combo thing that Smokin’ has.

Someone to come over and pretend to be my wife’s husband just long enough to get Christmas all set up.

Someone who can come over and help me get the next party (or two) planned and arranged. (i.e., I need a new executive secretary for Dianto… any takers?)

Someone to replace Loyless as he prepares to leave eP.

A new 3/4 length coat. Preferably wool. My leather coat is better looking than it is warming.

Some new work clothes. I’m tired of wearing polos.

Top Trumps. Garrett brought us back a pack from the UK, and the game is pretty fun. And relatively inexpensive, too. I promise if you get me any, I’ll play with you.

A Denny’s gift card. You know I’ll use it.

At the Dubai airport, be careful of the restroom stalls. Some of them do not have toilets in them, but rather, a strange, stainless steel setup where you can crouch. The people that actually use these are few in number, so they are always available. Because they were the only ones that were viewable, I was at first scared that all the stalls were like that. But then I saw that there was a queue for the “real loos” and that those were pretty normal.

Once on the Emirates flight out of Dubai, at certain intervals, the plane’s information screens would show the direction of Mecca in relation to the direction the plane was flying, so you could pray.

Also, it it is interesting to note that on the way into Dubai, the plane routed around Iraq by way of Saudi Arabia and Syria. On the way out, we flew over Iran.

The other thing I found interesting was that the UAE scanned my bags, once, twice, three times. But they weren’t terribly anal about it. Gatwick airport in London, on the other hand, was ridiculous. I got off the plane, walked over a kilometer just to be put on a bus and taken to a place where I have to go through security again, then I go through Continental’s line, then, 20 minutes after that, I finally gain access to the duty-free area where I can finally smoke a cigarette. When I am finally at the gate, to depart for the US, I am again searched, this time even padded down.

Now, to the UK’s credit, The guy that padded me down was a nice old man who regaled me in conversation about a show on BBC2 called Dubai Nights, where they show that Dubai has more money than common sense. I definitely didn’t feel violated by this man, but still — how many friggin’ times have they checked me for contraband?

Oh, and by the way… I got to keep my lighter and matches; no one anywhere else but the US seemed to care.

Here are some final pictures for your viewing.

The first image, of course, is the Middle East you expect to see. And you are right, it is there, in places.

Here is one of the many mosques visisble from the roadside. At night, the towers are lit up with green-colored neon. I’m serious.

Here is a view from the office in Abu Dhabi. In the distance, they are in the process of rebuilding the Souk, which is the gold-trading area of town.

And this is another view of Abu Dhabi, from one of my many taxi rides.

Meanwhile, in Dubai, the building craze continues unabated, with workers running things 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. When finished, it will look like this:

And this is how far along they are:

Also for your amusement, another picture from inside Ski Dubai:

The aforementioned arrow in my hotel room, pointing to Mecca:

Some pictures of the sandstorm in Jebel Ali on Friday.

This is what Ski Dubai looks like from the outside:

And last, but not least, a picture of the strangely squarish Middle Eastern style toilet. Note the incredibly low water level.

My last night here in Dubai was hosted by Shabbir, who is in charge of financial operations for the region.

After a final debriefing with local management over remaining IT issues, it was off with Shabbir to places you wouldn’t believe.

First off, I must mention the traffic. A nightmare. Mostly because everyone in the Middle East drives like they own the road. The truth is, only the Arabs own the road. The rest of them, all the ex-pats, well, they drive like they can’t be deported.

Shabbir drove me to “Mall of the Emirates.” You may have heard of “The Mall of America,” which is in Minnesota. Well, not to be outdone, the Mall of the Emirates actually has part of Minnesota inside of it. No kidding. It is called “Ski Dubai,” and it is a 3000 square meter all-enclosed facility for downhill skiing, snowball fights, bobsledding, and all sorts of other snowy activities.

This is just down the main mall corridor from the hypermarket, where you can actually buy a TV and lamb chops, then run down to the Versace store and get expensive clothes. Imagine a Super Walmart next to Foley’s. And, you can smoke all through the mall! Ahh, “What a country,” as Yakov Smirnoff would say.

Shabbir and I went into Ski Dubai, and he quickly realized that a move to North Dakota was not in his future.

The best part was watching the Arabs in their traditional dress try to deal with snow.

After about 30 minutes, we left for dinner, which was at… a Mexican restaurant. Yes, your read it right, a Mexican place. This is the one kind of immigrant the UAE does not seem to have.

We were served by a Sri Lankan that had a name tag which read “Mario.” I am pretty sure that is not his real name. It was even more amusing because Mario is more Italian than Hispanic.

In typical UAE fashion, nothing is freestanding, but part of a larger building. And so the Mexican restaurant, Cactus Pete’s, was on the 8th floor of a Dubai high-rise hotel. This made the view nice, but– how was the food?

Well, the chips were stale, but the salsa wasn’t too bad. No green sauce, of course. And I had to explain the difference between a burrito and an enchilada to Shabbir. I ordered the fajitas, and they were pretty good, although the seasoning was mostly stuck to the bottom of the meat and not properly marinated throughout.

All in all, though, I’d have to say that the meal was better than you would probably find at a Mexican restaurant in Iowa or Pennsylvania. And the tea was fantasic! Clear, crisp, and refreshing; not at all what I was expecting.

It was only after the meal was over, and we were finished eating, that Shabbir admitted to me that he thought that Mexican food was very heavy, to which I had to agree.

The view from my hotel…

My final full day here in my hotel room here in Dubai. The experiences I have had here in UAE and at the hotel in particular are somewhat mystifying. For example, everytime I have ever gone into a hotel in the US or Canada, there has always been a Gideon Bible in the drawer. I’m not big on evangelization, but I will say that it is a very subtle but effective way to bring the Bible to people who might otherwise not have occasion to actually open the Good Book up. But a through search of every drawer in this place yields not a bible, nor even the Koran! In the Islamic world, there are many parallels to the Christian world. For example, They have the Red Cresent, whereas we have the Red Cross. (No idea if they have Blue Cresent/Blue Shield). They go to the Mosque, we go to church. They go to Mecca, we go to Graceland. But there are appears to be no correlation to the Gideons. Since my grandfather is a member, I know how the Gideon Society works. This is something that is not terribly hard to port over to Islam, unless they simply don’t want us to read to Koran. But I really can’t imagine that that is the case. Some of us are only infidels because we don’t know any better, right?

So no Koran in the hotel room. But they DO have a golden arrow on the ceiling, pointing to Mecca. That is very convenient. In fact, I am surprised I haven’t seen it in more places than just my hotel room.

And you know how in America they have started putting coffee makers with real coffee in all the hotel rooms, so you can make your own pot of coffee? This is even in the Motel 6’s and Super 8’s. Well, they have something similar here, but over here, it just heats up water. Once you have the water hot, you get to either put “Nescafe” or Tea in the hot water. No actual brewed coffee.