A Reading from the Book of Oh Law (Ch4)
Lest ye corrupt yourselves, and make you any image, the wet or dry similitude of any figure, the likeness of any beast that is on the earth, particularly the likeness of any thing that creepeth on the ground, with thine straw wrapper. And lest thou lift up thine eyes unto heaven, and when thou seest the sun, and the moon, and the stars, even all the host of heaven, shouldest be driven to twist thine straw wrapper, or dispose of them in unto an ashtray, which the server has given unto you and your tabled brethren. For the path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the slovenly and the tyranny of zealous nonsmokers. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, combs the ashtray and cleans the glass. For he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to add trash to or remove my ashtrays. And you will know I am the Krackpype when I lay my random vulgarities upon you.
Upon examination, this passage tells us:
1) Neither create nor worship any graven straw wrapper image.
2) Don’t twist it or ball it up, either.
3) And you damn well better not throw one in the ashtray.
4) Lazy waitstaff and antismoking zealots are evil for they contribute to the moral decay of the world.
5) At a bare minimum, they contribute to the decreasing likelihood of getting a clean ashtray, or anyone at all, for that matter.
6) Conscientious people who clean the ashtray (and smokers who “comb” the ashtray) are worthy of praise.
7) There is nothing more frightening then an upset, shaking, epithet-tossing Jinny.
8) You should just keep the trash out of the ashtray, trust me.
“Lo, though the unrepentant shall lie to thee and lay about thee false promises of fulfillment, thou shalt NOT be decieved, for as I have taught thee, thy truest fulfillment will come from lying abed. And thou shalt know not of shame or embarrasment as ye lie upon thy bed or thy cushion, and thou shalt partake of idle conversation with thy brethren without fear of my displeasure. For thou shalt not be benefitted by the largess of exercise or activity, nay, for it sours the blood and closes the mind to My word. And should any abase thee, or bismirch thy character for thine inaction, fear not, for thy vengeance shall fall to me, and those that have soiled thy good name shall feel the weight of my displeasure.“
Thank you Pastor Smokin’ for your fine words. The best way to break this reading down is to examine it for underlying meanings, and try to find examples in pop culture.
1) Rest and leisure are good.
“Sleep in, and the world sleeps with you. Awake, and you are on your own.”
2) Unbridled work and effort is bad, and leads to a falling away from the Church. From REM:
“That’s me at the office
That’s me in the cubefarm
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don’t know if I can do it…”
3) Lastly, the Krackpype will protect against those who protest of sloth, for being away from people and closer to a bed or couch is the way to salvation.
To wit:
“Laziness is sleepiness and sleepiness is idleness and idleness is godliness, and God is lazy, just like me!” - St. Billy the Bald