Dryer Lent is a season of softener-searching. It is a season for reflection and taking stock of socks, trying to find all the matching pairs. Dryer Lent originated in the very earliest days of the electric clothes dryer as a preparatory time for Yeaster, when possibly infected clothes were hung on clotheslines and dried by the outside air, to avoid contaminating other laundry with possible contagions. By observing the forty days of Dryer Lent, the individual dryer owner imitates Jesus’ withdrawal into the wilderness for forty days (and subsequent lack of clean, dryer-softened clothes). Lent always begins on M*A*S*H Wednesday, the seventh Wednesday before Yeaster. It is imperative during Dryer Lent that the lint trap is cleaned thoroughly and that the dryer hose is checked to make sure it is free of all obstructions.

In many countries, the last day before Dryer Lent (called “You’re Momma’s So Fat” Tuesday) has become a last fling before the solemnity of Dryer Lent.

Stay tuned for Yeaster , M*A*S*H Wednesday, and “You’re Momma’s So Fat” Tuesday.

Meme Rogers or whatever has been passed around, and so now, infected, it is my turn to sit around and scratch furiously while I wait for the swelling to go down. (Don’t get it? Go to Lemon Jinny’s post from the other day on her Book Meme). While I’m suffering, I might as well tell you all about books:

Total Books I’ve Owned: None. I believe books to be for public consumption, and that it is the right of all humanity to read and examine all printed material, no matter how prurient, pornographic, or just plain lame. I have owned copies of many books though, numbering somewhere in the 20,000’s. Never trust anyone who doesn’t have books in their home.

Last Book I Bought: Probably at a garage sale or charity “dollar-a-bag� book sale (mostly for resale purposes). Last personal choice book? That would have to be “Great Hoaxes of the World� by Nick Yapp. The beauty in this book is that it was also the de facto “Cliffs Notes� to the fake Hitler Diaries and Howard Hughes biography. Three books in one!

Last Book I Read: ‘The Best of “The Annals of Improbable Research�’ AIR is the publication that comes up with Ig Noble Prize winners each year, and the scientific research in their publication is just plain wacky. For example, someone really did a research paper to compare apples to oranges… with a spectrograph (turns out they are both rather similar). Absurd questions to Nobel Laureates, (examples: Do you read in the bathroom? and “Do you buy new or used cars?�) and of course, the answer to the age-old question: “How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?� Contrary to popular belief, a woodchuck (marmota monax) CAN chuck wood, at the rate of 361.9 cubic cm/day!

Five Books That Mean a Lot To Me:
1) Carl Sagan – Cosmos: ‘He Of the Great Corduroy Jacket with Leather Patches’ brought me into a better understanding of all things great and small, and sparked a love of science. That and the sub-chapter on UFOs spooked me out enough to check out more books on the subject. This book also taught me some valuable lessons about religion. Who burned the greatest library the world has ever known? None other than Cyril of Alexandria. Destroy 2500+ years of written history and tradition, and the Catholic Church makes you a saint.

2) Arthur C. Clarke – Imperial Earth: I had enjoyed “Rendezvous with Ramaâ€? and his collections of short stories, but there was always something about Imperial Earth that I loved. I’ve been meaning to reread it for a while now; it had a matter-of-factness that made it an more likely (and more enjoyable) story than either Rama or 2001. And as always, Clarke is good at predictions. Written in 1972, the PDA and ultra-portable laptops are in here, along with *gasp* human cloning.

3) Robert Heinlein – Time Enough for Love: While more people “grok� Stranger in a Strange Land, I always liked this book better. My philosophy textbook in college had more quotes from this book than any other, and after opening it, I soon understood why. Just what happens when you can live almost forever but are tired of it? And how do you deal with the fact that you never age, while your spouses all grow old and die in front of your eyes? Still, one of my favorite quotes of all time is from this book, “When they need to see an ID, it’s time to move to another planet…�

4) The Great International Disaster Book: Oh yeah! Floods and Typhoons and Fires and Earthquakes and all sorts of nasty things! Jinny and I went to Johnstown, PA, just to see the site of the worst man-made flood ever. (5000+ people killed). It’s good to know that people aren’t as immune to Mother Nature and their own hubris as they would like to think. Everything is in here, from Krakatoa to the Triangle Shirt factory fire.

5) David Bodanis – The Secret House: Ever wondered why potato chips crunch? Why bed springs squeak? Just what is the active bacteria-killing ingredient in toothpaste? (answer: formaldehyde). Ever wondered how they get the ice crystals in ice cream to stick with the cream? It’s called Xanthan Gum. Know what it is made of? (answer: animal parts not good enough for hot dogs). Filled with “recipesâ€? and full color pictures of all sorts: electron microscopy of dust mites and skin flakes, infrared photos of someone using a hairdryer and even –I kid you not– someone farting, this book goes through the average routine of an average household during an average day and exposes all the things you take for granted. An awesome book, and the basis for my best Science Fair project ever.

I refuse to infect anyone else with this meme, so I will be in quarantine until the danger has passed.

Is it “flash forward” or “fast forward”? And if you “flash forward”, does that mean that you run naked down the hall? Is “fast forwarding” the act of not eating very quickly?

I think until these questions are answered satisfactorily, I will be using the term “Stop, Collaborate, and Listen.”

I normally hate this kind of stuff, but Foamy and I seem to be on the same level…

Check it out here…

More are available at Friends of Foamy.

Thanks to “Stupid Ass” for pointing this site out.

“You need a license to get married, drive a car, fly a plane, use a ham radio, hunt, fish and even to give someone a haircut, but they’ll let any old fuck-up have a baby…”

“Try new Soylent Green!”

“I support C to the A” [with picture of Africa and a coathanger over it]

*Coathangers to Africa

Gay people that find each other and are committed are going to be together regardless of what you call them (attn. Baby Boomers) or regardless of whether or not they get special legal protection (attn. Congress). Marriage is a LEGAL term, not a moral or religious one. If you want to reward people for monogamous, possible child-rearing behavior, (which is, in essence, what you are doing when you create a legal distinction between married and unmarried) then you should do it for any two people, not just the straight ones. Gay couples can always adopt, and (attn. pro-lifers) adoption should be ENCOURAGED, in my humble opinion. In either case, a loving household is a loving household, regardless of what goes on in the bedroom. For those of you worried that the children will grow up gay… So what? There are too many people on this planet anyway; homosexuals take themselves out of the potential list of breeders. This is in general a good thing. And if they can adopt, they can always “soak up” orphans.

The religious right will be aghast at this, because they don’t want orphans to raised by gays. But I have found that anyone who is against gay marriage obviously must not have too many gay friends. My sister is gay, and so is Smokin’. I want them both to have the same legal opportunities that I have had. If they find the perfect person (and I believe my sister probably has) I want them to be able to change their legal status accordingly. And I would trust all of them with a child if they wanted to raise one. Being a nurturing human being, capable of raising a child successfully, does not take a love of the opposite sex. It takes work and determination to offer a better life for the child than you yourself had. And I know for a fact that this quality is inherit in both of the above examples.

Most of the religious right think about gay men and start talking about queens like Bob Fossey and Liberace. These are NOT the kind of gay people that would get married in the first place, or the kind of people that would want to raise kids. These are the kind of people that would want to sing and dance and do “Jazz Hands.”

Making gay marriage illegal in Texas may do nothing in the long run anyway, because any legally binding contract that is legal in one state has to be accepted by all the others. It is in the U.S. Constitution. Unless there is an amendment, or unless the Supreme Court declares otherwise (through legal precedent special dispensation), these kinds of laws will be declared unconstitutional.

I have read this article, however, I really fail to find where two homosexuals could not fit the bill of a “run-of-the-mill” marriage. This particular article is bent toward the Libertarian view, which is a view that I very familiar with. I have seen my sister and her girlfriend, and there is every bit as much “give and take” in her relationship as there is in mine with my wife. While I agree with the article that parental rights and divorces and court orders, etc., is NOT very Libertarian, the only way that I know to make these things less necessary is to strengthen the marriage laws and make it harder for people with children to get a divorce. I think falling back on an organic, nature-derived definition of marriage is not going to work in today’s day and age. Unfortunate, but true.

Lastly, I will say that I give this issue 30 years, tops, and it is over. The Baby Boomers grew up at a time when Gay Rights was just getting started. For them, the big thing was making sure that blacks and minorities were being treated fairly. There was a study sited recently that said that whether you are for or against gay marriage was indicated mostly by whether you are younger or older than age 30.

So guess what?! Your kids and my kids will be all for gay marriage. By the time we are kicking the baby boomers out of their wheelchairs, this issue will be over and done.

Yes, back on the 8th Grade kick again… Sorry folks. But in 1988 I created a list of quotes for each school day of the week, and posted them up (one day at a time) in my Math class. Here are the quotes for May of ‘88. Most all of them are just as topical today as they were then…

May 2 -”By definition, when investigating the unknown, you do not know what you are looking for.”
May 3 -”The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.”
May 4 -”Ever notice there are no Chinese guys named Rusty?”-George Carlin
May 5 -”The difference between manners and morals is, that with manners, if there are no witnesses, it doesn’t count.”-Miss Manners
May 6 -”You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”-Steven Wright

May 9 -”Living in California adds ten years to a man’s life. And those ten years I’d like to spend in New York.”-Harry Ruby
May 10-”[Reagan] needs to drop bread crumbs on his way into sentences to find his way out again.”-Sherry Coben
May 11-”Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside a dog, it’s too dark to read.”-Groucho Marx
May 12-”I think more people would be alive today if there was a death penalty.”-Nancy Reagan
May 13-”Democracy is the art of running the circus from the monkey cage.”-H.L. Mencken

May 16-”Things will get worse before they get better. But who said things would get better?”
May 17-”Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were an member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”-Mark Twain
May 18-”Never argue with a fool– people might not know the difference.”
May 19-”A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two is never sure.”
May 20-”The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is increasing.”

May 23-”Men and nations will act rationally only when all other possibilities have been exhausted.”
May 24-”It’s big enough to take care of itself.”-Ronald Reagan on the deficit
May 25-”TV is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn’t have in your home.”-David Frost
May 26-”Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.”
May 27-”Anything that begins well, ends badly. Anything that begins badly, ends worse.”

May 30-”Kenneth, what is the frequency?”-Men who assaulted Dan Rather on Park Avenue
May 31-”Can’t act. Can’t sing, Can dance a little.”-MGM Executive seeing Fred Astaire’s screen test, 1928

Recently I’ve seen the baton of “Don’t Understand What the Fuss is All About” turn into the truncheon of Vyvyan from The Young Ones. (”Viva El Presidente!” THWACK!) And then, like the end to “10 Things I Hate About You,” everybody has fallen in love and the guy from 3rd Rock from the Sun gets to date Larisa Oleynik after all. So just to keep the fire from burning too bright, I’m here to put my two three cents in and tell all you people the truth:

1) You weirdos are all weirdos. This is good, actually, because life is too short for boring friends. (This is opposed to life being too boring for short friends, which is a family problem we won’t discuss right now. More on the Oompaloompa some other time.)
2) You all know “Where It’s At,” Though Psy Guy may not like it much. Haggis even has “Two Turntables and a Microphone.”
3) You all have a Dave Foley-esque “Good Attitude Toward Menstruation.”
4) You are all regular bathers. Granola is kept in the kitchen pantry, if it is kept at all.
5) You read my blog. Don’t you people know there are better things to do?
6) You figured there would only be five of these. Ha Ha! Fat Chance!
7) You obviously take jokes about heavy Scientologists fairly well.
8) Rumors to the contrary, none of you are actually swingers.
9) Some of you may have thought that last website was actually for golfers. Trust me, it wasn’t. So far as I know, none of you like golf, though one of you does drive a Jetta.
10) You put up with my numerous bad puns. (Really, there are no good ones.)
11) Some of you have enough alternate personalities on the forums to qualify for the fleet rate at the local shrink.
12) You would never throw a Chinese Star at me. At least I don’t think so.

13) You put up with Dianto Entertainment, fake TV shows and other strange behavior. Some days I feel like a bad episode of Dream On, but none of you seem to mind.
14) None of you would ever kick me here.
14) That’s enough for now. Let’s not get too “schmoopie” about all this.

Induced Labor Day: A holiday that has become popular with Ob/Gyns, they decide your child’s birthday based around their golf schedule. Gifts on this day should include shots of anesthetic, and possibly forceps — clamps — stat! Golf tees are also a nice gift for the doctor. Celebrated whenever your doctor doesn’t have something better to do.

Impeached President’s Day – Celebrating every American president who was ever impeached. Not really a holiday for most people unless you work at a bank or the post office, this holiday celebrates the failed impeachments of Andrew Johnson and Bill Clinton. (Note: Nixon was not impeached; he resigned prior to his impeachment hearing). Gifts on this day include cigars, stained blue dresses and any Radical Reconstruction memorabilia. Celebrated annually on the 6th Sunday of February.

Gay As Christmas – A holiday for the homosexual and “metrosexual,� this holiday is straight out of a Queer Eye for the Straight Guy episode. First, you decorate the Christmas tree wearing only leather chaps and a vest. Then, because the more the merrier, you decorate another tree for each room of your house. Put on your best ensemble, put a little “product� in your hair, and go out on the town buying all the latest, hottest fashion items at Express for Men for all your elitist, urban friends. Gay As Christmas is at the corner of Kwanzaa and Hannakah.

And I take the baton from Psy Guy, and give you: “List five things that people in your circle of friends or peer group are wild about, but you can’t really understand the fuss over. To use the words of Caesar (from History of the World Part I), ‘Nice. Nice. Not thrilling . . . but nice.’â€?

First off, I would like to say that several of the ones that I really wanted have already been used… So here is what I have come up with:

1. Sports & Sports Bars. I have never been a big fan of drinking, but when I do, I like to be in a place where I don’t have to yell over the din of music or TV and other patrons in order to talk to the people I’m with. This extends to loud restaurants too. BTW, Good food is never served at a sports bar/pub/tavern. And you can forget any sports bar that tries to put all of the smoking section in the bar… just write it off my list permanently. I’m not much into sports, either. Sorry. I’ll play sports, but going to a game or watching it on TV– no thanks. Normally, watching or going to a game, I’m wondering how to get those hours of my life back.

2. Pot Smoking. I have known quite a few pot smokers in my day, and I am proud to say that I have inhaled on more than one occasion (attn. Bill Clinton!), and so I can truly honestly say it was not for me. I know this one is pretty general, but I absolutely can’t stand pot smoke. I’d have to say that of all my friends and relatives who smoke pot, 95% of them are habitual pot smokers. I hardly ever complain and I never try to push my views on other people, simply because I wouldn’t want that done to me, but I am almost always the one who compromises; they come for a visit and I will let them engage in their THC habit on my property, albeit outside. Most of my friends are sympathetic and try to keep the smoke away from me when I am outside with them, but some people smoke some serious skunk weed and then I have to go perform “random acts of carpentry” just to keep away from the smell. There are certain people whose houses I just can’t go to for long periods of time because the smell permeates the place. It’s just a foul smelling, and frankly, illegal habit. The fact that it is illegal tends to breed other problems, including legal liability and some of the low-lifes that typically peddle the stuff. And then there is what it does to people. Amotivational syndrome is very real, I’ve seen it in college and in my friends, family and neighbors. Boy, I’m starting to sound like an old fart, hunh?

3. Terry Shiavo. Honestly, do I really care? Yes, but only about her. It was sad to see someone in that condition. Let it end. Fox News, Congress, and President Bush and everyone else can all drop it now, thank you.

4. Flash Animation Cartoons. Un-hunh. They took static pictures, and made them move around on the screen. Un-hunh. It’s neat. Un-hunh. It’s free. Un-hunh. But they’re normally not all that funny (though there have been some notable exceptions). Un-unh. Some of them are good, but frankly, Flash is to regular animation like Keystone is to Shiner or Guiness. IT’S NOT REALLY ANIMATION! Don’t waste my time with fake animation when I could spend the same amount of time watching something really funny, like Robot Chicken or South Park (which is also barely animation, but at least it’s on TV, so it has “street cred”).

5. Commercials. I watch and listen to commericals only by choice. Ask my wife, she tells people “We don’t get TV…” which is somewhat a fib, since we do have rabbit ears, and could watch TV if we wanted. But I only want to watch shows without commericals, so I watch them after the fact. “Have you seen that commercial?” they ask. The answer is always “No.” The only commercials I watch: I watch the Super Bowl FOR the commercials. And, really, that’s the only reason I watch the Super Bowl, especially since the half-time show is now boring, geriatric and slow all because of the fiasco with Janet Jackson’s pierced titty and the pervs at the FCC and Congress who couldn’t get enough hot Janet Action. Congress, it’s Miss Jackson if you’re nasty!