On account of Mother’s Day, a holiday which I can really only celebrate posthumously (at least until Jinny & I have kids, I guess), I have decided to create a list of Alternative Holidays. These are Holidays to make you feel good, or bad, depending on your situation.

1) Unwed Mother’s Day: For every woman who brings a bastard child into the world, there is this special holiday. Depending on the country, she can either be celebrated for her independence [Murphy Brown-style] or villified and permanently banished from the village [Deuteronomy-style]. This holiday takes place every April 31. Depending on the region, sometimes all that is needed for celebration is a congratulatory card, or a withering stare while holding a very throwable rock.

2) AfterBirthday: This holiday is a personal holiday, the celebration of the disposable link between you and your mother, later sold by the hospital to make cosmetics or to do stem cell research. Most people can celebrate their AfterBirthday and their Birthday on the same day, but because it can take between 10 minutes to 5 hours for the placenta and fetal membranes to be expelled, it is sometimes the day after your actual birthday. Appropriate gifts depend on the region, but click here to see some interesting ideas on celebrating your AfterBirthday.

3) Who’s the Father’s Day: While often celebrated in families that also celebrate Unwed Mother’s Day, this holiday can also be celebrated by the offspring of those who have used sperm banks or those who have had an affair with the milkman/poolboy/repairman/etc. This holiday was invented by a marketing consortium that offers paternity tests, and was quickly adopted (no-pun intended) by women looking for someone to sue for child support. Not a very popular holiday for men. Gifts for this occasion include court orders for bloodwork and calls from children saying “Mommy tells me you are my Daddy.”